Bombs and sneak attacks

I read today that 'grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead'. It's true. I never know when it will hit me, or how hard it will hit me, till it does. I am always amazed at the things that triggers tears. I can be feeling good and outof the blue, something will set me to tears. It really is strange.

I had to go to the lumber yard yesterday. I sure miss the one in Reedsport. The guys all knew me, never made me feel like a ninny with my ' I need... for a craft project'. They would find what I needed and I'd be on my way. I don't know anyone at this lumber yard. I got some things I needed, then asked one of the men there to help me with some wood. I told him what I wanted to do, the measurements and he told me the piece I needed. All well and good. He was nice, but when he asked me a couple of questions, and I couldn't answer them, he smiled that, 'dumb girl', smile. I just ignored him, paid the bill, went and picked up my wood and headed for home. I wasn't even a block away and the tears came. This is something Dale always did. He knew what kind of screws he needed. He would have known if the wall was 2x4 or 2x6. I guess I could have waited till Superman was here to go get what I needed, but I have to learn these things. I can't expect others to do for me what I should do. But there are so many 'man things' to learn!

I got home, composed, and went about the rest of the day. I started to fill out an application online for a position at a hospital as a registration representative. Nothing went right, it wouldn't let me upload my, for what it was worth, resume', I couldn't cut and paste it to print it out. My computer kept doing stupid things...blah, blah, blah. Yep, you guessed it, I ended up in tears. Autumn tried to help me, she knows far more about computers than I do. And then, as I really started to cry, I realized, why am I applying for a job that has to do with computers and I don't even know how to use it! Needless to say, I didn't apply.

I got myself together again for the rest of the evening and was actually at peace with not applying for that job. I got into bed and decided to watch 'Pete's Dragon'. We use to watch that movie a lot when June and July were little. I hadn't seen it in a long time, and was actually looking forward to it. As I hunkered in as the movie started, my eyes drew me to the picture of Dale next to my bed. Here they came again! How many times had I watched this movie with him? How many times had he made sounds like Elliott the Dragon? Now I was watching it by myself. All of a sudden, I wasn't looking forward to it anymore. I watched till it woke me up. I turned it off , turned off the light and looked up at my stars. I was done with the bombing raid for the day.

Some days I weep a lot, others, not at all. I know the tears are part of the process, I just don't like the sneak attacks.