Consumed

"It is impossible for us to live in fellowship with God without holiness in all the duties of life. These things act and react on each other... To disobey conscience when it points to relative duties irritates the whole temper and quenches the first beginnings of devotion...Selfishness...want of sympathy with the sufferings and sorrows of other men,...will miserably darken our own hearts, and hide the face of God from us." H. E. Manning

I read this this morning, and immediately felt convicted. It is amazing how consumed you can get in the midst of grief. I know, I am allowed, but only to a point. I have forgotten my girls.

My kids were here all this weekend. It is always wonderful to have my chicks about me. Even Naval was here for the weekend. We had a good time, even got a few tasks done around the house. But I realized I haven't been checking on my girls to see how they are doing. I still haven't gotten back into the habit of cooking for Autumn and me. In the evening she goes to her room and I go to mine. The basic duties of motherhood have gotten lost in the shuffle. I have not been careful to take care of them.

It has been to easy lately for me to climb into my safe little shell and hurt on my own. The problem is I have been irritable and distant, especially to Autumn. We have been simply roommates. It is my fault. I remedied that tonight. She and I had a talk and I apologized for my behavior, for not talking to her and with her, for being a grump and staying to myself. It was a good talk. We both shared out hearts and has some tears together. I told her I would do better. I told her we needed routine, meals together, watching a movie together, playing a game. Time just for us.

Part of the problem for us both is that we don't feel like this is home yet. We don't feel settled. Maybe we won't for a time, maybe it is part of the process. We have been so use to being at the center of things with ministry that now we are having to get use to being just us. She even told me she misses 'home', meaning our home in OR. There we had friends, we had a church family, we were loved, and the coffee shop even knew my 'usual'. Here it is a clean slate. Know one knows us, and for the most part they don't care. I even had to be the one to initiate meeting my neighbors.

It is all strange and awful, empty and lonely. I know that will change, in time. It may be a long time before we feel at home here, but I don't want to lose my girls in the meantime by letting these things consume me to the point I can't function, not do my daily duty and look out for others before myself. Perhaps that is an issue. For almost 20 years I was the wife of a pastor, serving others, looking out for the needs of a church body. I haven't been serving here as we are still trying to find a church to go to. I think we found one, so maybe I will be able to find my niche' there. Hopefully, Autumn and I will find friends. Once we have jobs I know we will have a routine and feel more settled, but till then, I can't lose sight of how important my girls are and how much I truly need them. I hurt, I will hurt, but so do they. Is it not better to hold each other through this time, then hope the other makes it through on their own? I think so, I know so.

So, here is to emerging from my shell, into the bright of day. To look with joy, midst the tears at what the Lord has for us. To daily do my duty in that which the Lord sets before me. To love my girls, to see to their needs and hopefully in the process, mine will be met as well. This is not an easy pathway, but it is mine and I want to do well.