Exceeding abundantly

One thing about grief, I have learned, is that sometimes the emotions of the loss come upon you as if it was the first time. It seems when a new major change takes place, that happens to me. It happened when I sold the house in Oregon, when I bought the house here, and yesterday it happened as I ventured to class to start to become a CNA.

I had set my alarm for 6am, and when it went off I reset it for 6:30am. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt as I had a huge weight on me. My limbs felt heavy, my heart was heavy, my brain was a whirling jumble. "Maybe I won't even go, I don't want to go, this isn't what I want to be doing." I put my feet unwillingly on the floor, knowing I had no choice but to go. I made my way through the usual morning routine, sat in my big purple chair and opened my bible.
"Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20, 21

Why didn't I feel like He was doing exceeding abundantly for me. His word says if we obey, if we do His commandments, if we cling to Him, He will bless our endeavors, and they will be successful. But becoming a CNA, isn't my first choice, really not my choice at all, but it is what the Lord put before me, so I step out believing this is His plan. But why do I feel so abandoned, so sick to my stomach, so overwhelmed.

After a good long hug from Autumn, I got in the car and headed to class. After 4 1/2 hours of lecture and and hand outs, we broke for lunch and I cried all the way home, only to get home to find Autumn in tears. She was just as frustrated as the technical school she wanted to attend was booked till 2011 in the field she wanted. She called back to a couple places she had left resumes at, only to get less than positive responses. We cried together. I was at a loss as to know what to say to her. My heart hurt for her. I felt like I had nothing to offer her, no wisdom, no guidance, that was always Dale's job. He always knew what to say, he could organize anything, he always had a plan. I had nothing. I ate lunch, not wanting to go back to class, but cried my way back anyway. I finished the day and cried all the way home again. How can I still produce so many tears?

Later that evening Autumn went to the store and came back with a bag full of goodies. She said, "I know you don't like this word, but today sucked. And we are going to have a Today Sucked Girls night." And so we did. She bought goofy socks, matching, ugly colored nighties, silly panties, 5 ugly colors of fingernail polish, Hagan-Daz ice cream and caramel rice crackers. To top it off she got a Hannah Montana movie. One would not think that such off the wall things could actually make one feel better. It did.

I got up this morning, resetting my alarm for 6:30am when it went off at 6, got up, got breakfast... and sat to re-read Ephesians 3. It struck me that the verse doesn't say He will do exceeding abundantly, but that He is able to. So, maybe CNA isn't the exceeding abundantly part, maybe it is the changed attitude He gave me about going to class today, and the changed attitude in Autumn to keep plugging away at looking for work and waiting to see what the Lord has for her future.

I don't know if I will like being a CNA, but I will do my best at it, until the Lord makes it obvious to me if there is something else I should do. Till that would happen, I will get up, get ready and go, and walk the pathway before me, knowing that He is able to do exceeding abundantly in ways beyond all that I would ask or think, besides, 'underneath are the everlasting arms.'