Incognito

I went to a Ladies Bible study today, alone. Some may say, big deal. It was for me. It is really hard to do things alone now. For 27 1/2 years I always had someone to do things with. No, Dale never went to ladies bible study with me, I rarely went golfing with him. But it is different. It is hard to explain. I guess it is one of those things that only people who have lost a spouse gets.

I was emailing with a friend today, who gets it. She lost her husband too. This was our exchange.

Hi sweet thing, So you ventured out to Bible Study? Good for you. I've yet to make that leap - and it still IS a 'leap'. I'm cheering you on, however. I pray for you every day, Jules. I would say I'm amazed at what you've accomplished since Dale left town but I am only constantly amazed at God's GRACE. Phenomenal! I know.

(Me)
These 'leaps' are tough things. I have yet to go out to eat by myself. I know that with my circumstance of having to provide for Autumn and I, that I will be leaping a lot. I don't like being around people. I don't like having to always give my 'story'. Usually people don't know how to respond and the conversation seems to end abruptly. I feel at times I should wear a sign that says 'leper' on it. People are funny. I have been encouraged to go to a grief group, don't want the weepy folk either. I do that on my own just fine.

Another friend who lost his wife once told me he doesn't even like going out to eat with his kids because he feels like people see him only as a weekend dad. I didn't get it till Autumn and I started the daunting task of looking for a church. No one knew us. We showed up just the two of us. My thought was people must think I am divorced, or that I had an unbelieving husband. It was awful, still is. I find myself, when speaking to people, that I play with my wedding ring, or purposely lift my hand to scratch my face in hopes that they will see the ring. I feel so disjointed. Who am I? Who do I belong to? Where is my place?

I don't think the masses know what to do with a widow, especially a young one. We no longer have a society as in bible times, where a widow was one to take care of. I am not asking for help, but the mentality is different. There was a time in our history where widows and orphans were a scourge and a burden. Now with so many single mom's, it just is no different. We all seem to blend into the same scenery. As I stated in the above email, when I tell some one that my husband has passed away, they get fidgety and say they are sorry, and either change the subject or as it happened today, the lady I was speaking to, just walked away.

I do feel sometimes as if I should wear a sign that says, 'leper'. It would save me having to explain my plight, and save others from feeling awkward. I could wear black taffeta, or wear a widows bonnet. Perhaps I should just hand out brochures with all the information on it for them to read at their leisure, it would make a good fire starter.

Who am I? All I know is that I am a sinner saved by grace, a pilgrim passing through.