What's in a name?

I had another 'moment' Friday morning. I was concerned about getting wood for this winter. I didn't know where to start, other than purchasing a chainsaw. I couldn't sleep the night before, so, when I woke in the morning I start out tired, which never helps with raw emotions. I didn't want to get out of bed. I laid there till about 9, fretting, and crying, and praying. I finally got up, did the morning drill, and sat to have my devotions. Once again, God's gentle voice was waiting for me.

They that know Thy name will put their trust in Thee: for Thou, Lord, has not forsaken them that seek Thee. Psalms 9:10

The Lord shall give that which is good. Psalms 85:12

That know Thy name.

Years ago I heard a lady teach on the names of God. She gave a list of different names of Jehovah and told us to learn them and use them when we pray, it would make a difference. I wrote those names in the front of my Bible. Friday morning I opened to the page to seek out the name of God that fit with my need that morning.

Abba Father- like Daddy- I needed my Daddy that's for sure.
Jehovah- Jireh- God will provide- I needed wood
Jehovah-Raah- God is the Shepherd- I needed guidance and care
Jehovah-Shammah- God is present- needed that too
Jehovah-Rapha- God is our healer- I'm hurting
Jehovah-Shalom- God is our peace- oh, to possess some of that!
Jehovah-Nissi- God is our Banner- He the Victor
Jehovah-Elroi-God sees- and I am grateful
El Shaddi- God Almighty- Praise be!

I prayed. I used Jehovah's name as it fit the need. I felt better. I felt at peace. I felt I could get through the day, again, because of Him. I knew He would provide, He always does, why do I forget so easily? I need not fear, or fret. I just needed to be faithful to do the task at hand...learn to use the chainsaw that was sitting in the carport. I called to see if Torch could come help me. In a matter of minutes, not only Torch, but his parents ElizaJane and Troubadour came. Troubadour gave me my saw lesson while Torch, and ElizaJane, and Autumn hauled and stacked some wood. Troubadour then told me a man had called him asking if he knew of anyone who needed wood for winter. Need I say more. God had provided. He wanted me to trust, to wait, to believe Him to be Jehovah-Jireh. He is.

I remember my Grandpa telling of a time as a young man, while walking the streets of Chicago, he was fretting over something. As he continued down the street, he notices something flutter to the ground next to him. It was a sparrow. He immediatly thought of the verse in Luke about how we are of more value than the sparrow. Grandpa said he fretted no more.

Jehovah Elroi's eye is on the sparrow, so, I know He watches me.

Pollination

I was out in my garden yesterday and observed an amazing God thing. I have some wonderful Goldenrod blooming right now. I love Goldenrod. As I looked it was covered with 5 different types of pollinators. Honeybees, Bumblebees, a small type of wasp, a small skinny winged bug thing, and small golden butterflies. I watched as they flew amongst the blooms, not paying any attention to each other, but just busy about their task. I thought to myself, there's a sermon in there. I didn't know what exactly; how we all have different spiritual gifts, and the same purpose; how we are all different, but all created and loved by the same Lord. One could take the spin any direction. Then tonight as I was emailing a friend, she made mention about a conversation she has with a co-worker today. My friend was talking about a lady who had had a stroke, and had not regained consciousness, how she didn't believe in the Lord, that if she died she would go to hell, even though she was a 'good' person. The co-worker said, ' you really believe that?' My friend made the comment to me how amazed she was that people don't know about the Lord. I told her that it was amazing, but that as believers it is our fault and that we will be ashamed when we stand before the Lord and realize how many people we helped go to hell, by not telling them about the Lord.

Then, I thought of the goldenrod. The busy insects doing what God created them to do. Maybe some were baptist bees, or Lutheran, or catholic bees, I know that's stretching it, but regardless, they didn't mind that there were other insects, different from them, doing the same thing, pollinating.

I have always had an affinity to honeybees since I was a little girl. My grandfather had bees, and oh how I loved to watch him open the small box with the queen bee in it, or watching him harvest the honey. Nothing like fresh honeycomb to chew on. But I digress. My point is this, we are to be about our Masters business. We are to go into all the world and make disciples. He also made it clear, we are to start doing that here at home. We are to be His pollinators of the Gospel. If we aren't, who will be. There are plenty of pleasant, easy 'gospels' being taught everywhere. The Lord never said it would be easy to witness, in fact He said they will hate us. Yet, the fact remains, we are to go. How often I have I let an opportunity go by? Often. I don't like knowing that. I have made my excuses, they don't wash. I want to be like those busy bees, doing what I was commanded to do, to make sure I do my part in the pollination of the gospel of Christ. How about you?

To the edge and back

Whelm- (hwelm) v.t. [ME]- 1. to submerge, cover, or engulf; hence 2. to overpower or crush; overwhelm.

That was how I felt last night. So totally overwhelmed, I got frightened I might be heading for a break-down. I don't know that I truly was, but it sure felt like it. I had some tears and prayed, two things I do a lot of. There was so much going on. I was still feeling the emotion of moving into the new house without Dale, all the things that needed to be done to get the house up to snuff, getting the car licensed, getting a new Dr., and the the big one, job hunting. There were more things as well, but I'll not bore you. As Anne says ( that's Anne of Green Gables of course) I felt 'green and provincial'. I felt heavy and depressed, fearful, inadequate, the whole alone thing again. I didn't know what to do. I was really scared I would implode!

I woke up before 6am and kept tossing and turning till 7am, when I convinced myself to get out of bed and exercise. I hate exercising, but these past several months have not been good to this stress eater. I put in the workout cd, did my duty, took a shower and laid on my bed and cried. I asked the Lord to please help me, I didn't want to despair. I didn't want not to trust, but at the moment it was too hard of a task for me. I got dressed did the usual morning tasks, made my cup of tea and sat down to have my devotions.

My usual routine is to read from a devotional book, that I love and have had for years. As often is the case, the Lord had scriptures verses waiting just for me. It amazes me how the Lord put in Mary Tilestons heart to write these particular verses then, over a hundred years ago, so that He could use them in my life today. These were the verses:

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalms 27:14

He gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might He increases strength. Isaiah 40:29

Boy, did that sledge hammer feel good! How perfect those words! After reading I felt that oppressing, ominous weigh lift from my heart and mind. It was amazing! It was if at that moment things made sense, and I felt like the Lord gave clear direction. One thing being I was trying to do to much and expecting it done in a certain time frame. I had brought it all on myself, simply because I forgot the truths I had learned already. I was trying to set the pace on this trodden path, only to spin myself into a rut, with the Lord standing on that trodden path in front of me, patiently waiting for me to look up and not in the hole I had dug. He is marvelous! Feeling sheepish, yet relieved, I took His hand and said, I was sorry and of course, I want to follow His lead.

And that I shall. Oh, I will bog myself down again, we always do, but I know, I truly believe, all will be well. I know that everything will fall into place as it should, when it should. It isn't my time frame, 'my times are in His hands', not just the beginning and the end, but everything in between as well. I am glad. I am grateful. I am most relieved.

Creative juices

I have been creating something for as long as I can remember. On the farm growing up, I would sit in our yard and sketch Mt. Hood, over and over and over. I mostly would take moss and twigs, acorns, rocks, seed pods, dried flowers, anything in nature and glue till I had created a master piece. My poor mom, I wonder how many 'treasures' I brought to her that she had to discreetly dispose of lest my feeling got hurt.

All through jr. high and high school I took home-ec. I made a lot of my own clothes, something I haven't done in years, though I did sew for my girls when they were younger. I also took drawing, not my fort', calligraphy, and ceramics. My hands were always making something.

I wanted to be a fashion designer, till I saw how much the schooling was.Then I thought of being a window dresser, you know like Rhoda Morgenstern from the Mary Tyler Moore show. But, then I would have to live in the city. I didn't want to live in the city. So, I went to bible school for a year, then a year later got married and started having babies. That was pretty creative in itself, some of my best work! Most of the homes we lived in were small and all my art and craft supplies were relegated to boxes in the closet. When I could I would convert an extra closet or small room into my space, but that was a rare occasion. So that meant, that when I wanted to create, I would take over the dining room table, which also meant having to clean it up for meals. Dale for most of our married life was able to come home for lunch each day, which was great, except when I wanted to make a mess on the table. My new home affords me with a real room just for me to create up a storm.

Okay, so it is really use to be a garage, a very small garage for a very small car. It isn't a big room, but it houses 2 desks, a treadle sewing machine, a bookcase, small computer desk and a storage unit. Yep, you guess it, wall to wall furniture, but I like it, even if the walls are pepto-bismal pink. It's last resident was a wee girl of not yet two, who's name is Maryjane.

It is wonderful to have all my supplies out and ready at hand, but there has been one small glitch in all this, I have had no real creative juice since Dale's passing. I have tried, but there has been no desire, no energy to try. Yet, my soul has been screaming out, 'make something, make something'. Making my bed has been about as creative as I have been. But a change came yesterday, simply by reading a new magazine I found that is about women and the spaces they create in. It stirred something inside, and today, I started two projects, one is a prototype for an idea, the other was a necklace for Alyssum. It felt good to get glue and ink on my fingers again, to go through boxes, and jars, and tins looking for that one thing to finish off the project. It was very freeing, it felt normal, it felt right.

I can't even begin to know what the Lord felt like at the time of creation. Making everything by just a word, the spken word. holding all things by the power of His word. No glue, ink, watercolors, no erasers, nothing at all. My mind can't grasp that. I guess I'm not suppose to, I reckon that's were faith comes in. My creating is just a thumb nail to what He has done. He has put it in me to create, I consider that an honor. Nothing I do will touch what He has done, but if it keeps me sane and blesses someone else, than I believe I have done what I have been purposed to do. For that I will be grateful. For that I will create.

Kindness of Stangers

It has been amazing to me how people I don't know come into my life at times I need them. I remember one time a lady showed up at my door when we lived in Arkansas. I was a young mom and really didn't have many friends. Here was this woman who came on request of a distant cousin. She introduced herself and we ended up chatting for a couple hours. She was a real encouragement to me. After that day, I never heard from or saw her again.

It has happened at other times, but more so in the past 8 months. After Dale died, I received cards, and phone calls from people in the community and beyond. Miss Prim's sister and brother, who I have never met sent me cards. People who knew Dale, whom I had never met made contact with me. A woman I had only been introduced to once, showed up on my doorstep with dinner in her hand for Emily and I, shortly after Dale died. It was overwhelming, yet was a comforting kindness as well.

I received an email from a lady yesterday, whom I have never met. She had read my blog and wanted me to know that she knew how I felt, as she too had lost her husband. She and I are part of MaryJane's Farm, a favorite website of mine. I had made a post on the site about my new house and had made a comment about it being bittersweet. She had read the blog to found out why.

There was an instant connection to her as what she said so fit my circumstance. She understood. She knew. Her heart hurt too. As we emailed back and forth, I learned that her hubby died of the same cancer as mine. I was floored! The Lord had brought to me someone to bring words of encouragement and kindness, someone who has trodden the path before me. She was someone who really knew my emotions, she had been at the same place.

I have found that grief really is a private thing. Everyone deals with it differently. It is not text book, though others try to make it so. I actually had someone tell me " well, in a year you will just have to get over it." My new email buddy, who shall hence forth be know as Michigan, had the same thing said to her. I have also had someone tell me that I talk too much about Dale. I am so conscience of that now. Often, I just bite my lip and say nothing. I know that those who have never gone through this just don't know what to say. It's okay, I didn't know what to say to others in this situation, till I went through it. I have learned to have duck feathers with this one. You have to or you would go crazy.

How wonderful to have someone who is willing to listen. A stranger who has opened the door to a stranger. Yet, the common ground of not only the loss of a husband, but that of the Lord. A true blessing. So, to you Michigan, thank you. May I learn from your example and show great kindness to another, when the Lord nudges me to do so.

Handy Woman- 101

• Over the 27 1/2 years of marriage, Hubby and I did many a task around the house requiring drills, hammers, drywall anchors... he was a good teacher and I learned much. Yet, one thing I never helped him with was the installation of door knobs and smoke detectors and curved shower rods. But I'm thinking, not a problem, right? Wrong! Having an older home, you have things like quirky shaped bathrooms with odd places windows, olders doors, doors that are not up to current standards.
• Last night I set out to hang the shower rod. I was home alone as Autumn was spending the weekend with friends. Hanging a curved shower rod really takes another set of hands I found. My bathroom is narrow with a small tub. The edge of the window extends a bit over the edge of the tub. Because of that a regular tension rod has to go on the inside of the window from which makes it be at an angle. Weird. It also makes the shower curtian cling to you as you shower because it is so close to you. Really annoying, which is why I purchased a curved rod to give more space while showering. I had to drill holes for the bracket, one side went well, the window side, good grief, not so well. I had to find shorter screws and smaller wall anchors. I put the two parts of the rod together and procceded to put it in the brackets. Here's a tip: when working over a bath tub drain using small objects like screws and little allen wrenches, cover the drain. If perchance you happen to drop, say the allen wrench down the drain, try to recover with a pair of tweezers. It worked for me.
• The rod got hung, and as long as small children or monkeys down hang on it, it should stay put.

And now for today. I promised Autumn I would get the door knob put into her knobless door while she was gone this weekend. So, after church I changed clothes and gathered all my tools. The door knob didn't fit. The hole wasn't big enough for the knob to fit flush and the metal plate on the door jam stuck out to far. To make a long story short, it was a fiasco and after total frustation that I couldn't get a stupid door knob put together, I threw it all in a pile in the hall and walked away in tears.

I then made another unsuccessful attempt at putting up smoke detector. The instructions looked easy enough. I got the first one up. When I tested it, it didn't beep. I put a different battery in it, it didn't work either. I then attempted to take it down, which didn't happen easily. I threw it all in a bag and walked away, again in tears. UGH!

I threw myself on the couch and just cried. I cried hard. I told the Lord it wasn't fair. I was trying to do what needed to be done, to take care of Autumn and I, and wasn't able to accomplish it. I was so frustated, I felt very alone at that moment. Then the emotions ran away with me. I started to beat myself up, making myself feel guilty and miserable. I needed my husband. He wasn't there. I needed someone. There was no one there, just me and the radio. I had had the christian station playing all afternoon. A song came on that I had never heard before. It spoke of grace and mercy, the two things needed, only needed. Door knobs, and smoke detectors, they got the best of me, big time. After I refocused my heart and mind, remembering that His grace is enough, I blew my nose, wiped my tears and went into my craft room to put it together. That was very successful, and very satisfying.

Later, I sat at the piano, of which I play very ill, and sang a song that has become a favorite. It is called Be Still, by Keith and Kristen Getty. I told the Lord I was sorry for the melt down and felt relief and cleansing. It was good. I know there will be other times when performing the 'honey-do-list' things that I will really miss Dale, but I know that each time God will give what is needed to get the task done. I am glad that my SIL, Superman has already offered to come again this coming weekend to do, 'tasks'. God is so good.

(Oops, don't know what I did, sorry for the format on this one)

Salt, bread, wine, a candle and glow in the dark stars

One of my favorite movies, It's a Wonderful Life, has a scene where a blessing is given to a family as they move into their first home. A week ago, that blessing was given to me by Eliza Jane and her family. They along with other family members helped me and Autumn move into our new home. It had to be the hottest week of the summer. We started moving at 7:00am and quite around 10am, Wednesday through Friday. It worked out well. On Friday all my kids came and helped do some work around the house. My 2 SIL's, who are amazing by the way, spent time outside working. Saturday Superman and June built part of a new fence in the back. It looks great and gives me more privacy and security. But back to the blessing.

Awhile back I had made mention to Eliza Jane, that I had always wanted some one to give me that blessing whenever I had moved, and actually asked her if she might do that. She said she had already thought of it. Well, as things got closer to moving and due to lack of brain cells, I totally forgot our conversation. So, when they showed up at the door, I was truly moved. Each one of her family spoke part of the blessing as scripted in the movie. Being that I am crier by nature and the fact that my emotions were a bit raw anyway, I started to cry as soon as I opened the door, realizing what was to come. It was all so wonderful, and they were just in time for dinner. So, we all went outside and christened the backyard with the first picnic in our new back yard.

Now, you are thinking, 'so what is up with the candle and glow in the dark stars, that wasn't in the movie.' Nope, that was totally Eliza Jane. The candle, that I 'may always have light.' And the stars... may I go back in time?

About 9 years ago when my Hubby was pastoring in the Cascade Mts. in WA, we went to visit some friends a few days after Christmas. The Mrs. took me to her sons room to show me his glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. Her son had actually taken the time to place the stars so that it would look like our night sky. It was impressive. Then she turned off the light and shut the door. It was magical! I got so excited I went and got my Hubby and showed him. As soon as we could we purchased our own stars and put them on our bedroom ceiling. No matter the weather, we always had stars to sleep under. When we moved, we left them for the next people. We moved to Oregon and lived in a rental for a couple years, and yes, we left stars behind when we bought our first home, which we promptly set about putting stars on the ceiling.

Each night as we turned out the light Hubby would say' 'there's our stars.' , to which I would say, ' our stars forever.' When he passed away, I had a hard time wanting to sleep in our room. The first night after his passing, I bunked in with Autumn. The next night I slept in the guest room. But when I turned out the light, I was overwhelmed by how dark the room was. It seemed strange to me. Then I realized it was the lack of stars, there was no glow over head. No stars, no voice saying 'there's our stars', only emptiness. The next night I slept in our room, and when I turned our the light said, 'there's our stars, our stars forever.' Eliza Jane knew this story and had the kind foresight to bring me stars for my new home. Now each night I can smile at the stars on my ceiling, hear that infamous exchange in my heart, curl up under my blankets and sleep knowing that though galaxies of stars separate us, we still see the same ones created by the same God who loves us both.