Just keep marching, marching, marching...

Yesterday at church, Pastor K continued in the book of Joshua. We were in chapter 6. It is the story of the walls of Jericho a-tumblin' down. A familiar story, one I have heard and read countless times, yet the Lord used it to remind me of His sovereignty and my lack of it.

The account is of God telling Joshua that Jericho will be given to the Israelites. He gives Joshua very explicit instructions to last 7 days. Joshua had the directive. Yet when he went to the people he didn't tell them all that God told him. He left out the whole 7 days part and what the result would be. He gave them a bit more info on the 7th day, but still didn't even tell them the walls would fall down after the trumpet blowing and people shouting. (I am going on this assumption of lack of information, based on what is written, Joshua may have told them everything and it was just not recorded, but that would spoil the point of this missive). Anyway, Pastor K's point was that God is not restricted to time, we are time oriented. God sees the whole picture, beginning, middle and end. We rarely can see past the end of our noses. Because of this we must live by faith, we must trust a sovereign God who knows exactly what He wants us to do, but never gives us the full picture.

Case in point: Autumn has been going everywhere putting in applications and leaving resumes at several businesses. She had a preliminary interview last week at a children's museum. She has heard from no other place, even places she knows where people just quit. She has been frustrated. Yesterday she made a comment about how no one wants her. I quickly reminded her of the pastor's sermon. 'Keep on marching' was my response.

Faith, trust, obedience, all that was required of the Israelites to bring the walls down. They didn't have all the details. Can you imagine if they did? They would have thought Joshua was crazy. How many times did they see God work miracles in the wilderness and they still were in disbelief? What if when we were born, God mysteriously sent a book detailing every day of our lives, start to finish and everything in between. We would know what was to happen to us that day, as well as 20 years down the line. I think if this were the case, there would be a lot of complaining, and bargaining with God everyday. There would be discontentment, anger, disbelief, and fear, magnified by each person. There are things that have taken place in my life that I certainly wouldn't have wanted to know about before it happened. That is why God is sovereign, why He is God.

I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. Will I pass my CNA class? Will I have to be a CNA till I retire? Will I be able to retire? I don't know. I don't need to know. Again, it is back to just trusting in an oh, so faithful God, being obedient, being willing to allow His will to enfold me,
especially when I think I want to know. My times are in His hand, and there in lies the best laid plans.

Remember this, and be assured: Recall it to mind, you transgressors. Remember the former things long past, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like me.
Declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things which have not been done, saying, "My purpose will be established, and I will accomplish all My good pleasure...
Isaiah 46: 9-10

God's sense of humor

My first week of school is done, 3 to go. What a week it has been. I am exhausted! This took more out of me than I ever imagined.

When I got up this morning and sat down to have my devotions, I was thinking about how I didn't want to be going to school. I really don't. Then I thought of all the comments from people like, ' good for you' or 'how exciting'. "They can be excited for me, because I am not!"

I always start my devotions by reading from a devotional book. Today when I opened it, this was the verse:

You shall rejoice in all that you put your hand to, you and your household, wherein the Lord thy God has blessed you. Deut. 12.7.

I laughed out loud, and told the Lord He was funny, but I got it. The Lord didn't say I would like what He blessed me with, just that I would rejoice in what He had blessed me with. It's the provision, not necessarily the circumstance.

I love it when the Lord gives such obvious and gentle reminders, He has to do that a lot with me. I must be thick skulled, but hopefully I am learning. I am grateful I have a life time to get things figured out. I am grateful too, when the Lord will make me laugh at myself. Joy is so much better than sorrow.

Exceeding abundantly

One thing about grief, I have learned, is that sometimes the emotions of the loss come upon you as if it was the first time. It seems when a new major change takes place, that happens to me. It happened when I sold the house in Oregon, when I bought the house here, and yesterday it happened as I ventured to class to start to become a CNA.

I had set my alarm for 6am, and when it went off I reset it for 6:30am. I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt as I had a huge weight on me. My limbs felt heavy, my heart was heavy, my brain was a whirling jumble. "Maybe I won't even go, I don't want to go, this isn't what I want to be doing." I put my feet unwillingly on the floor, knowing I had no choice but to go. I made my way through the usual morning routine, sat in my big purple chair and opened my bible.
"Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20, 21

Why didn't I feel like He was doing exceeding abundantly for me. His word says if we obey, if we do His commandments, if we cling to Him, He will bless our endeavors, and they will be successful. But becoming a CNA, isn't my first choice, really not my choice at all, but it is what the Lord put before me, so I step out believing this is His plan. But why do I feel so abandoned, so sick to my stomach, so overwhelmed.

After a good long hug from Autumn, I got in the car and headed to class. After 4 1/2 hours of lecture and and hand outs, we broke for lunch and I cried all the way home, only to get home to find Autumn in tears. She was just as frustrated as the technical school she wanted to attend was booked till 2011 in the field she wanted. She called back to a couple places she had left resumes at, only to get less than positive responses. We cried together. I was at a loss as to know what to say to her. My heart hurt for her. I felt like I had nothing to offer her, no wisdom, no guidance, that was always Dale's job. He always knew what to say, he could organize anything, he always had a plan. I had nothing. I ate lunch, not wanting to go back to class, but cried my way back anyway. I finished the day and cried all the way home again. How can I still produce so many tears?

Later that evening Autumn went to the store and came back with a bag full of goodies. She said, "I know you don't like this word, but today sucked. And we are going to have a Today Sucked Girls night." And so we did. She bought goofy socks, matching, ugly colored nighties, silly panties, 5 ugly colors of fingernail polish, Hagan-Daz ice cream and caramel rice crackers. To top it off she got a Hannah Montana movie. One would not think that such off the wall things could actually make one feel better. It did.

I got up this morning, resetting my alarm for 6:30am when it went off at 6, got up, got breakfast... and sat to re-read Ephesians 3. It struck me that the verse doesn't say He will do exceeding abundantly, but that He is able to. So, maybe CNA isn't the exceeding abundantly part, maybe it is the changed attitude He gave me about going to class today, and the changed attitude in Autumn to keep plugging away at looking for work and waiting to see what the Lord has for her future.

I don't know if I will like being a CNA, but I will do my best at it, until the Lord makes it obvious to me if there is something else I should do. Till that would happen, I will get up, get ready and go, and walk the pathway before me, knowing that He is able to do exceeding abundantly in ways beyond all that I would ask or think, besides, 'underneath are the everlasting arms.'

Back to school

This is the first year since 1987 that I have not had to buy school supplies for my girls. It was really strange going into the store seeing the paper and pencils all piled on the shelves waiting for someone with a school supply list to pick them up and put them in their shopping cart. It wasn't me. I was a bit sad. But then, I also thought that that meant no more assignments, or tests to grade. No more nagging for the report that was to be done a week ago. I was a retired school teacher! That put a smile on my face.

Yesterday I found out I was accepted into a CNA program, with a job on the other side, if I past the state test. When I got off the phone, I thanked the Lord for answering prayer, and then I got a cold feeling in my stomach. I would be going back to school, I would be the student. I asked the lady if I needed to bring anything, she said no, everything would be supplied. I still don't get to buy any school supplies, that is unless you consider scrubs, shoes worth staying in all day, and a stethoscope, school supplies. I will need these after the first two weeks of classroom study. So, today, Autumn and my SIL, who will from here on out be referred to as Sweet Tea, as she is from the south, and I went to town to look for scrubs. This is not an easy task unless you want Tinker Bell, Snoopy, or various assorted animals adorning the tops. Not my style. I did find a solid blue and one with flowers that will do. I really don't want to invest in a lot as there is always the chance I will wash out of the program. Oh, my, I'm going back to school!

For 28 years, I have been a homemaker. I like being a homemaker. I never wanted a career out side the home. I like home. I like having a coffee break whenever and for however long I want it to be. I like the idea of deciding not to do laundry if I don't want to , but to read a book all day instead. Those days are gone, and I am really sad. I know, I will still be a homemaker as I will still have to do dishes, and dust, I hate dusting, go grocery shopping, and all the other things that go with that, but now it will be after a full day at work, when I am tired, and my feet hurt, and I really just want to soak in the tub and go to bed. I will still need to get them done, and doing them at the end of the day, when I don't feel like it, well, where will the joy be in that. And that is part of that cold feeling in my stomach. More change. More having to do things I don't want to.

I will have to change my mind set, change my heart because this is a necessity. I am the bread winner now. It doesn't feel like winning. I feel like I am losing something precious, something that makes me who I am. This is hard.

The Lord told the children of Israel that if they would obey Him, to keep His commandments, cling to Him, walk in all His ways, then whatever they would put their hand to, they would prosper, they would succeed. I have seen God's hand work in my life, I have seen His provision. So, given this new path to walk down, I will cling, a lot, to the Lord, and trust that as I walk in His ways, in His footprints, I will have the heart I need, I will have the joy I need, and the dusting will get done to boot.

Mercy River

There's a river that never changes,
With mighty power, gently flows.
It's the blood of my Crucified Savior,
Running pure, it cleanses me.

By this river I daily stand,
Saints of old have held its edge.
Plunging deep, it penetrates me,
I am changed, refreshed, renewed.

Precious Savior, My Redeemer,
From Your hands, Your feet, Your side,
I'm forgiven, all guilt removed,
with grace and mercy, I will live.

Flowing River of forgiveness,
Run through me, cleanse my heart.
Shame and guilt are washed away,
Mercy given, what joy bestowed.

2-26-2009

Consumed

"It is impossible for us to live in fellowship with God without holiness in all the duties of life. These things act and react on each other... To disobey conscience when it points to relative duties irritates the whole temper and quenches the first beginnings of devotion...Selfishness...want of sympathy with the sufferings and sorrows of other men,...will miserably darken our own hearts, and hide the face of God from us." H. E. Manning

I read this this morning, and immediately felt convicted. It is amazing how consumed you can get in the midst of grief. I know, I am allowed, but only to a point. I have forgotten my girls.

My kids were here all this weekend. It is always wonderful to have my chicks about me. Even Naval was here for the weekend. We had a good time, even got a few tasks done around the house. But I realized I haven't been checking on my girls to see how they are doing. I still haven't gotten back into the habit of cooking for Autumn and me. In the evening she goes to her room and I go to mine. The basic duties of motherhood have gotten lost in the shuffle. I have not been careful to take care of them.

It has been to easy lately for me to climb into my safe little shell and hurt on my own. The problem is I have been irritable and distant, especially to Autumn. We have been simply roommates. It is my fault. I remedied that tonight. She and I had a talk and I apologized for my behavior, for not talking to her and with her, for being a grump and staying to myself. It was a good talk. We both shared out hearts and has some tears together. I told her I would do better. I told her we needed routine, meals together, watching a movie together, playing a game. Time just for us.

Part of the problem for us both is that we don't feel like this is home yet. We don't feel settled. Maybe we won't for a time, maybe it is part of the process. We have been so use to being at the center of things with ministry that now we are having to get use to being just us. She even told me she misses 'home', meaning our home in OR. There we had friends, we had a church family, we were loved, and the coffee shop even knew my 'usual'. Here it is a clean slate. Know one knows us, and for the most part they don't care. I even had to be the one to initiate meeting my neighbors.

It is all strange and awful, empty and lonely. I know that will change, in time. It may be a long time before we feel at home here, but I don't want to lose my girls in the meantime by letting these things consume me to the point I can't function, not do my daily duty and look out for others before myself. Perhaps that is an issue. For almost 20 years I was the wife of a pastor, serving others, looking out for the needs of a church body. I haven't been serving here as we are still trying to find a church to go to. I think we found one, so maybe I will be able to find my niche' there. Hopefully, Autumn and I will find friends. Once we have jobs I know we will have a routine and feel more settled, but till then, I can't lose sight of how important my girls are and how much I truly need them. I hurt, I will hurt, but so do they. Is it not better to hold each other through this time, then hope the other makes it through on their own? I think so, I know so.

So, here is to emerging from my shell, into the bright of day. To look with joy, midst the tears at what the Lord has for us. To daily do my duty in that which the Lord sets before me. To love my girls, to see to their needs and hopefully in the process, mine will be met as well. This is not an easy pathway, but it is mine and I want to do well.

Bombs and sneak attacks

I read today that 'grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead'. It's true. I never know when it will hit me, or how hard it will hit me, till it does. I am always amazed at the things that triggers tears. I can be feeling good and outof the blue, something will set me to tears. It really is strange.

I had to go to the lumber yard yesterday. I sure miss the one in Reedsport. The guys all knew me, never made me feel like a ninny with my ' I need... for a craft project'. They would find what I needed and I'd be on my way. I don't know anyone at this lumber yard. I got some things I needed, then asked one of the men there to help me with some wood. I told him what I wanted to do, the measurements and he told me the piece I needed. All well and good. He was nice, but when he asked me a couple of questions, and I couldn't answer them, he smiled that, 'dumb girl', smile. I just ignored him, paid the bill, went and picked up my wood and headed for home. I wasn't even a block away and the tears came. This is something Dale always did. He knew what kind of screws he needed. He would have known if the wall was 2x4 or 2x6. I guess I could have waited till Superman was here to go get what I needed, but I have to learn these things. I can't expect others to do for me what I should do. But there are so many 'man things' to learn!

I got home, composed, and went about the rest of the day. I started to fill out an application online for a position at a hospital as a registration representative. Nothing went right, it wouldn't let me upload my, for what it was worth, resume', I couldn't cut and paste it to print it out. My computer kept doing stupid things...blah, blah, blah. Yep, you guessed it, I ended up in tears. Autumn tried to help me, she knows far more about computers than I do. And then, as I really started to cry, I realized, why am I applying for a job that has to do with computers and I don't even know how to use it! Needless to say, I didn't apply.

I got myself together again for the rest of the evening and was actually at peace with not applying for that job. I got into bed and decided to watch 'Pete's Dragon'. We use to watch that movie a lot when June and July were little. I hadn't seen it in a long time, and was actually looking forward to it. As I hunkered in as the movie started, my eyes drew me to the picture of Dale next to my bed. Here they came again! How many times had I watched this movie with him? How many times had he made sounds like Elliott the Dragon? Now I was watching it by myself. All of a sudden, I wasn't looking forward to it anymore. I watched till it woke me up. I turned it off , turned off the light and looked up at my stars. I was done with the bombing raid for the day.

Some days I weep a lot, others, not at all. I know the tears are part of the process, I just don't like the sneak attacks.