I had every intention of getting up early to exercise before going to my Trysting Place this morning. I set the alarm before bed, determined. I woke before the alarm, laid in bed after the alarm went off, as if a lead weight lay on my chest. It is so hard, still, to get out of bed in the morning. It is hard to fall asleep at night. I think at this point, it has become a vicious circle. I don't like it. I don't know if this is normal, or if my body and mind have just gotten into the habit after all the time in the beginning of this journey of grief, of not wanting, not having the energy to get out of bed.
I didn't exercise before my devotions, and felt badly, once again, that I didn't. I so need routine in my life. I think that it will be helpful once I start working. Ugh, I don't like the idea of working, but it is a necessary evil I must attend to. Today, I started that process by looking into possible options. I would love to own a tea shop. For years have joked, if ever I had to work outside my home, I wanted to have a tea shop.
I have prayed, endlessly about going in this direction, I don't want to mess things up, to make a decision of this magnitude, and find myself in rack and ruin. It is daunting to be making these kind of decisions on my own. Yes, I am seeking counsel from family, bouncing things off of others, as I find hearing what is going on in my head, sounds different when spoken.
After speaking with a loan manager today, and finding it will be hard for me to get a loan if I were to try to buy a place, I started to feel whelmed and frightened, as to what was to take place. I wanted to cry, but didn't knowing it wouldn't help anyway. It is only the first day of looking into things, yet I started to feel weary in well doing. Oh, for a email from the Lord just one sentence telling me what I should do. I know, it doesn't work that way. It's okay, I will press on, do the next thing, be faithful to the calling God has given me, and let Him lead me on the proper pathway. It is there, it just hasn't been revealed yet.
Right! ...just not yet, but in place ... on its way and .. at the right time to be sure.
ReplyDelete"Ditto" Dame Judi!
ReplyDeleteHi Julia, first of all thanks for visiting my blog. I usually try and send new commentators a picture of here just so they can enjoy my blog a bit more but you don't have an address listed. If you would like a picture you can get in touch at rob@communique4u.fsnet.co.uk I had to smile about the lead weight holding you down in a morning, I have just the same trouble but in my case it isn't a lead weight but a big black dog! When you talk about God sending you an email I think he may already have done. I'm sure that like me he wouldn't like to tell you to go out and get your tearooms but I think maybe he put the idea there in your head one time when you weren't lookin', it's his way of guiding us. because the world is a busy place full of distractions its not always easy to tune in to what he's telling us but I believe that from time to time he sends us an email and then leaves the rest up to us. I can't tell you to get your tearoom because I don't know you, what you're capable off or whether its viable in your location. But what i can say is that one day I got an email telling me that being a gardener to the big house would suit me well even though at the time I would never have though I would ever leave the farm but the seed grew and I looked in to it and took one step at a time until being gardener to the big house was more than just an email from God or even a dream in my head. Its like learning to walk, just take one step at a time and before you know it you're half way to where you want to go. Good luck with whatever you decided to do and I hope your arm improves soon. Bob
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