"We should all endeavor and labor for a calmer spirit, that we may the better serve God in praying to Him and praising Him; and serve one another in love, that we may be fitted to do
and receive good; that we may make our passage to heaven more easy and cheerful,
without drooping and hanging the wing. So much as we are quiet and cheerful upon the ground, so much we live, and are, as it were, in heaven." Rev. Richard Sibbes (1577-1635).
I have much been drooping and hanging the wing, these days. I have not been able to figure out why, or what has made me droop and hang, till this morning as I was lying in bed. I woke at about 5am and felt heavy in my soul. So, I rolled over and slept till about 6:30am. I told myself I should get up, exercise and get my day started. It took me till 8am to finally get out of bed. But as I lay there, tossing and turning, praying, thinking, trying to put a finger on it, it came to me, something that I have not wanted to admit for a long time, something a friend has tried to get me to see some time ago. I finally admitted I was depressed.
Christians aren't suppose to be depressed, it shows like of faith and trust in the Lord. It shows self pity and lack of discipline, lack of spiritual growth. These are things I have heard from others over the years. I don't know how true it is, or whether these are people who have never had a bad day in their life and can't even begin to understand the dark night of the soul. But the fact remains, I am depressed.
I think I first really started to understand that a few days ago when I went with Grace and Matthew to a Dr. appointment where they were to find out if they were having a girl or a boy. We were all excited. As we watched the screen as the ultrasound took place, which is an amazing thing in its self, we all rejoiced when we found out the wee miracle was a girl! We squealed, cried, laughed with joy! It was wonderful. But very soon after, I found myself feeling sad and weighed down. I know in part it was because I thought of Dale, how he would have loved having a granddaughter. He loved his girls so much, he would have been a puddle having a grandgirl.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get beyond the deep grief and sorrow. Will I ever have motivation and desire again? Will I just learn how to look happy on the outside, function in the daily grind of life, and make my pillow soggy at night when alone? I don't like depression. I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't like how it eats away at my days, my joy, my soul. Yet, I don't know how to climb out. I don't want to droop and drag my wings anymore, I want to walk in strength with my hands lifted high. I want my worship to be real and strong.
It isn't an easy thing to admit. It isn't an easy thing to talk about for fear of what people will say, of how I will be perceived. It is a lonely place to be, but it is mine and I shall walk it. I will trust, it is only for a season, that the Lord will bring me to a place of joy and peace again, and that I will be the better for it.
I was told throughout my depressed season that I was, in fact, sinning and I just needed to 'try harder'. Whatever that means. Of course, you're depressed Auntie J. Look at the circumstances you have been placed in. It has nothing to do with YOU. It has to do with the world. Sin and evil has infected every corner of this earth, therefore making it impossible for joy and peace to always reign in our hearts. Don't fear what other people will say. They really have no validity to anything they say for they are NOT you, do not have your situation, or your tempermament. The only one to fear is Jesus, the Man of Sorrows. I will not 'insert-verse-here' for I find that to be annoying. You know the bible, you have hidden the words on your heart, you know the truths, I don't need to remind you. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AUNTIE J. Thank you for being transparent. It is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteAs we grow older, the loss of a spouse (which you have now experienced), the knowledge that a deathly disease may come into your own body, the true reality of beginning to accept mortality, even though we feel we have already had accepted it, becomes very real. I too have sleepless nights filled with prayer and a feeling of forboding. All at the same time, I lean into the Lord and feel fear. God made us to enjoy His earthly creation, and to love our families with all our hearts. When I see someone who has been through great tragedy and still exudes strong faith and smiles, I always wonder what their nights are like. God knows. He is with us. Carrying us. Our fear is real, but without Him it would be crippling. Keep praying. And crying. And being honest with yourself. I will pray that someone will come to bring you great joy and it will probably be that little girl yet to be born.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mo and Jeannie for your love expressed. It truly means a lot to me. Hugs to you both!!!
ReplyDeleteI still can't conquer this, but it gives me hope. I love thinking about it :) Walk by faith, not by sight.
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