Testimony of circumstance

"This is an amazing testimony to our Great God that He has given you His grace to say these words. Your circumstances are not killing you, though they hurt deeply and you are still able to say “You are my God and I will give you THANKS!”

That was a friends response to me after an email I sent her. Her words have stuck with me since I read them. They were very confirming words to me on 3 levels.

'...testimony to our Great God that He has given you His grace to say these words'. This morning while reading in I Corinthians, I came to these verses, 'I thank my God always concerning you, for the grace of God which has been given to you in Christ Jesus, that in everything you were enriched in Him...even as a testimony concerning Christ was confirmed in you'... The words of my friend came to my mind. One thing I have asked of the Lord that He would be seen in me even in the midst of my bleakest days. That others would see in me that Christ is sovereign; that since He is sovereign they would see His faithfulness; that since He is faithful, they would know He is trustworthy. I don't know what God's purpose was in taking Dale. It isn't for me to know, but to trust. I know that in God's purpose, it is for His glory, and I want to live that, I don't want in any action or word to belittle His sovereignty . I want my life, my tears, joys and sorrows, to be a testimony of what Christ can do with a willing, broken heart. I want others to know that I 'have been with Jesus'.

'your circumstances are not killing you'. I can't tell you how my heart soared at these words! I so often feel as though I walk around with a visible black cloud hanging over my head. I often feel sad, lonely, and disjointed, that I fear it shows to others to the point of them wondering what kind of faith I have. I often wonder the same thing myself. I feel as though I am not gaining any ground, that I will be miserable the rest of my life. Yet, at the same time, I feel the presence of the Lord so keenly, sensing His joy that sometimes I wonder if I should feel this good; transported in worship, excited about life and where the Lord is leading, and then, feeling guilty that maybe I have shed my 'widow weeds' to soon. I don't know how this grieving thing works, and it has been all most 18 months, but I am glad one has seen that my circumstances are not killing me.


'though they hurt deeply and you are still able to say “You are my God and I will give you THANKS'. Song has been such a major part of this journey for me. Music has been such a big part of my life. My mom had us kids singing in church at early ages, I was always in choir in school, I was in a drama/music group at Bible school, my girls and I always sang together, I have been part of leading worship at churches over the years. As a result, I love the book of Psalms! It is my favorite hymn book. Two months before we found out Dale's cancer was back, I started to go through the Psalms and just take my time. As I started to study the words, 'praise, song, worship, sing really popped out at me. Each morning I would wake with a hymn or chorus going through my head, I still wake up this way. I love it! Phrases from the Psalms, like 'You are my God and I will give you thanks', are like melodies flowing through my heart, that give me strength to not only sing them, but to mean it. He is my God. I have seen His hand in my life. I have seen Him in new and very personal ways in the past 2 plus years. How can I not give Him thanks?

My circumstances aren't killing me, they are strengthening me, they are making me more like Jesus, even when I may not see it.