Well...

at least for awhile the Lord has answered my blogging question, as i fell on friday and both dislocated and fractured my right elbow. typing with one hand takes way to long. perhaps the Lord thought i needed a respite.

so, till i heal....blessings to you.

To blog or not to blog...

...that is the question at hand. When I first started to blog, it was just for me, no one knew for awhile, till Autumn caught me. Slowly, I told a few family members. It became a way of sharing my heart with them on my journey of grief, as writing has always been easier for me to express myself, than verbalizing what was going on in my head. Then, after a time a few kind strangers found their way here, and expressed how what they read was an encouragement to them. I was humbled and honored that it did.

But recently I have noticed a changed, not sure what exactly, but something is different. I don't know if what started out to be just a way to pen my thoughts for myself is no longer necessary, if the heart is still there, not just mine, but the essence of it.

Have I focused more on writing for others, thus losing the initial intent, and what small 'readership' I had, or is there no longer a need to publicly write? I don't know.

Please understand, I don't write this to encourage response back from the few who still read this. Perhaps, this is more rhetorical in nature, to help me know what to do.

Is the heart gone? Is the need gone? We shall see.

Weary in well doing

I had every intention of getting up early to exercise before going to my Trysting Place this morning. I set the alarm before bed, determined. I woke before the alarm, laid in bed after the alarm went off, as if a lead weight lay on my chest. It is so hard, still, to get out of bed in the morning. It is hard to fall asleep at night. I think at this point, it has become a vicious circle. I don't like it. I don't know if this is normal, or if my body and mind have just gotten into the habit after all the time in the beginning of this journey of grief, of not wanting, not having the energy to get out of bed.

I didn't exercise before my devotions, and felt badly, once again, that I didn't. I so need routine in my life. I think that it will be helpful once I start working. Ugh, I don't like the idea of working, but it is a necessary evil I must attend to. Today, I started that process by looking into possible options. I would love to own a tea shop. For years have joked, if ever I had to work outside my home, I wanted to have a tea shop.

I have prayed, endlessly about going in this direction, I don't want to mess things up, to make a decision of this magnitude, and find myself in rack and ruin. It is daunting to be making these kind of decisions on my own. Yes, I am seeking counsel from family, bouncing things off of others, as I find hearing what is going on in my head, sounds different when spoken.

After speaking with a loan manager today, and finding it will be hard for me to get a loan if I were to try to buy a place, I started to feel whelmed and frightened, as to what was to take place. I wanted to cry, but didn't knowing it wouldn't help anyway. It is only the first day of looking into things, yet I started to feel weary in well doing. Oh, for a email from the Lord just one sentence telling me what I should do. I know, it doesn't work that way. It's okay, I will press on, do the next thing, be faithful to the calling God has given me, and let Him lead me on the proper pathway. It is there, it just hasn't been revealed yet.

Trysting Place

A trysting place is 'an appointed meeting place as of lovers, rendezvous'. We don't often here that phrase these days. Sometimes in old books it will be mentioned. I like the sound of it. Today, I was reminded of my own trysting place, with my Saviour, and how lately, I have misplaced the joy and splendor of the meeting, making it more duty and need.

This morning I went to ladies Bible study. We are in the book of Hebrews, one of my favorite New Testament books. As we listened, shared and read, verse 19 of chapter 6, struck me. "This is the hope of the soul, a hope both sure, and steadfast, and one which enters within the veil." What an amazing verse! It alone would take a lifetime to reach its depths. But the phrase, one which enters within the veil, has shown its self in different ways today, reminding me of its importance.

During class we made mention of because of Christ's obedience to the work on the cross, we no longer need go to an earthly priest, we have direct access to God. And because of Christ's obedience, there is nothing that hinders me in coming to Christ for salvation. The veil was rent in two at His death, symbolizing His brokenness for me. Me. That still boggles my mind.

Before Bible study, the pastor's wife told me he wanted to see me at the end of class. As I went into his office, I joked about coming to the principals office. His teasing response, not knowing what had been discussed in out study was, "its the inner sanctum, the holy of holies". I later thought, that's what it use to be like, having to go to the priest to offer sacrifices. No longer! I am grateful. Then, later this evening I pulled a faithful old friend from my book self. A book I haven't read since 1998, by the dating on the inside of the cover. It is called Meeting God in Quiet Places. It was written by a man who 6 months out of the year lives in the Cotwalds in England, my dream vacation. He writes about what he sees as he walks through the countryside, and the lessons from them. He spoke of the trysting place, the meeting of the human and the Divine. That place of the supernatural, the transcendent, of joy, of splendor, of rest. My life has been in such a whirlwind of late, of busy nonbusiness, of complacency, of grief and a general sense of Eeyoreitious, that I haven't been able to hear that still small voice beckoning me to come and meet with Him. The clang of the day, my own maddening thoughts haven't been picking up the signals. Or have they, and I have just ignored them.

It is time to go. To hasten to that precious trysting place, where my initials have been carved in His hands, to be enveloped into His waiting presence, to learn, and grow, to rest.

New Era

Today, Autumn, June, July, my mom, Dame Judi, and niece, Alyssum and I went wedding dress shopping for Autumn. Before we even left the house, I got a couple of lumps in my throat, but held it together, after making sure I put a couple of hankies in my purse.


It was a bit surreal. It was the same bridal shop we went to 2 years ago, with July to find her wedding dress. The gal seated us in the same spot where we were 2 years ago, the difference was Dale was not there. I missed him.


Autumn and the consultant went to the racks to pull a few dresses. Autumn told her she wasn't buying today, just looking, wanting to try different styles to get a feel what would look best. They found 3 to start with. July, being the matron of honor, helped her get into the dress. As soon as the door was opened, and I saw Autumn, I was overwhelmed, and shed some tears. Reality hit, she wasn't playing dress up. My little girl is getting married.

It was a sweet dress, liked by all, but didn't grab any of us. Dress two was donned, door opened and we all took a deep breathe in. This was the dress! She looked so elegant, so mature, so perfect! Why try more? She did, just for fun. One looked like a fancy night gown and there was of course the ultimate frump girl dress. When the door was opened, her expression was priceless! We all knew this was definitely not the one.


After looking for bridesmaids dresses, finding what she liked, she put THE dress back on, with a sweet birdcage veil, and said, " I love it, this is it." Yes, the dress was bought, no more looking. She is pleased, as am I. It was a good day.


This is the beginning of the end of an era, the last of my precious girls will soon be a bride, will create her own home, forge a new pathway, one I will not be walking with her, it will be just her and Naval. As I have watched my older two do the same, seeing how beautifully they have done, I know there is no concern for Autumn. I have done my best as a mom, tried to be a good example of what a wife should be, tried to instill in them the importance of the Lord in their life. I'd say, by God's grace and mercy, we'll be batting 3 for 3.

My Hero

One thing I have learned in the past year with losing Dale, is, people often times don't know what to say, or more often say things that are, well, stupid. Granted, they aren't intending to be, they are well meaning, and one has to understand that, but, nevertheless, silly things are said.

I was reminded of that tonight when I noticed that Autumn looked upset. I asked her what was wrong and her response was, 'I'm frustrated. Sometimes, I don't think people think I went through what you did in losing Papa. They will ask me how you are doing, how the girls are doing, but they don't ask me.' My heart broke. This wasn't the first time she has said this.

Autumn was 17 when Dale died. She was the only one of the girls still at home. She watched her Papa wither to nothing, she watched his countenance change, she watched him shuffle like an old man, and acting almost child like when his liver caused chemical imbalances in his brain. She was the one who sat alone on the couch, or in her room, his last day on earth hearing Dale moan in pain, and watching me fall apart from exhaustion, not feeling I had the strength to continue. She was the one who took my face in her hands and told me I could. This is not something a 17 should have to do. But she did. She gave me strength, when she needed to be held. She was my rock, when she needed to weep. She went through something her sisters didn't have to, because she was there. She survived, and is the stronger for it.

Autumn was a "guess what, honey" baby. She was born 7 1/2 years after July. June and July were both in school when I got pregnant with Autumn. I was 7 1/2 years older. Yet, how amazing to now see God's perfect hand in it all. If Autumn was not here, not still at home, I would have gone through Dale's passing alone. He know I would need Autumn.

I can't begin to know what it is like to lose a daddy, I still have mine. There will be important things in her life she won't be able to share with her Papa, that her sisters have. Yet, I know she will always have that special moment when Dale was so sick, and he put Autumn on his skinny lap, and told her very tender and meaningful things. I hope it will help fill the void.

She is an amazing young lady. She has grown and matured beyond her years. She didn't have to. She could have chosen to become bitter and angry at the Lord. She didn't. Her spiritual foundation was already laid. She knew her God. She now knows Him better. The hurt is still there, it will be for sometime. But I am confident, because of who she has become, that her hurting heart will turn into strength of heart. I am so incredibly grateful to the Lord for bringing her into my life when He did, so that she could be there when I most needed her. She is indeed my hero.

In that moment...

Today was one of those days where I knew the Lord had something for me to understand. Listening to the christian radio station on the way to church, so many songs were for me. Some made me weep and some made me praise. Sunday School had the same effect. We are going through a DVD series call "The Truth Project", put out by Focus on the Family. It is awesome! What was said confirmed and emphasized whatever it was I was feeling. Then, at the church service the songs again, had a similar feel to them like the ones heard in the car.

I don't know exactly what it was the Lord was trying to get across to me, I prayed He would reveal it to me, but as we sang, 'It Is Well With My Soul', in that moment, eyes shut, singing to the Lord and really listening to the words as they came, I had an amazing sense of peace and presence of the Lord. And in that moment, I truly believed, that all was well with my soul. My, that felt good.

Time

It continues, whether we put a new battery in the clock or not. A new year has come, whether or not we buy a new calender, which I have yet to do. Every breathe ticks another second of our lives. The question then is what will I do in that second?

This year has already for me and my family brought a new change; my youngest daughter is now engaged and the wedding is set for this November. She starts a new journey of preparation to become a wife, I start the journey of preparation of an empty nest. Really empty because they WILL take the cat with them. There will be much excitement as plans are made, looking at dresses, choosing colors, wedding invitations... the list goes on.




Naval, he is in the navy, is a wonderful young man. He instantly stole my heart. He is a hugger, and I like that. He is tall, so he envelops you when he gives you a hug. He hugs me just because, and he doesn't feel the need to let go to quickly. He gives real hugs. But more importantly, he is a young man who loves the Lord. He is a seeker, and that to me is the best thing he can be. It doesn't matter whether he becomes a brain surgeon or a plumber, for he will succeed in whatever he puts his hand to because he walks well with the Saviour. That is something that was prayed for for all of our girls, long before they even cared what a boy was. All my girls have chosen wisely, because they themselves are seekers. A mother could be no prouder.

This will be an exciting year because the Lord already has it planned out. I just have to show up for duty each day. Time marches on, I plan to march with it, joyfully.