I Surrender All

Today, at church, the theme was surrender. The songs we sang pointed to that, and the pastor's sermon was about surrendering. Being the word nut that I am, I looked up surrender, to fully understand its meaning.

surrender- v.- to deliver up, or yield to the possession of power of another, on demand or under duress; to give oneself up to some influence, course, emotion; to give up, abandon, or relinquish; to yield, or resign in favor of another.

Any one can be applied to our relationship with the Lord, and we can surrender either when He asks us to or, under duress. If you look at the root word, render, you can see where the duress would come into play. A friend, after they butchered their pig, decided to render the fat of the pig so she could use it in her cooking. The rendering was a slow process. All the fat scraps were placed in a pan, put in the oven on a low temperature,for hours, so that all the impurities could be skimmed off to create a pure product.

Sometimes we have to go through a rendering process when we refuse to let go of certain things in our lives. The heat is applied so that the impurities can be removed to make us pure and usable. Much like the metal smith who melts gold , carefully skimming off the impurities till he can see his own image in the gold in order to form it into a beautiful piece of jewelry. I want Christ to see Him in me, I want to be usable, how that takes place is up to me.

Paul, in the book of Philippians, recounts his own personal kudos to the people only to tell them those things are rubbish compared to the 'surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord'. He gave up title and position, things important in the worlds eyes, and counted it all as loss. He gave up, he surrendered, he left his heart to be filled with the things of Christ.

In doing a bit of Lenten reading, I came across a prayer, and part of it said this, "I need you. I am making space for you in my life today; Lord, meet me in the empty places I have made. Lord, draw near to me, and fill me until I overflow." As we sang the old hymn, ' I surrender all', today, each time after that phrase, I said, 'Help me Lord'. Giving up things we see as important, that give us comfort and significance, is a hard thing to do. But I think I would rather surrender when the Lord asks me than to do it under duress.

All to Jesus, I surrender, Lord, I give my heart to Thee.

Broad Shoulders

The morning did not start well, mainly because the last evening didn't end well. I went to bed feeling as though I was a disappointment to someone I love dearly. I didn't like feeling like that. It made for a rough nights sleep and when I got up this morning, not only was I still feeling badly, my arm hurt.

I had my tears, and prayed. I told the Lord I was sorry, that at the moment I felt like with all that has been going on, with my arm, not working, finances, still trying to figure out where I fit in the scheme of things, I was feeling as though I was being disciplined. I felt like all this was because of me making wrong choices, that I have brought this all on myself, in truth, even Dale's passing. I wept, and prayed, and asked the Lord's forgiveness, for His strength and wisdom.

Then of course, I felt badly for spilling all my thoughts and emotions on the Lord like that. But once again, in gentleness and mercy, He reminded me how much He loves me and how broad His shoulders are.

The Lord is nigh to all them that call upon Him, to all that call upon Him in truth. Psalm 145.18

I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34.4

Be Thou, O Rock of Ages, nigh! So shall each murmuring thought be gone;
And grief, and fear and care shall fly, as clouds before the mid day sun. Charles Wesley

Take courage, and turn your troubles, which are without remedy, into material for spiritual progress. Often turn to our Lord, who is watching you, poor frail little being as you are, amid your labours and distractions. He sends you help, and blesses you with affliction. This thought should enable you to bear your troubles patiently and gently, for love of Him who only allows you to be tried for your own good. Raise you heart continually to God, seek His aid, and let the foundation stone of your consolation be your happiness in being His. All vexations and annoyances will be comparatively unimportant while you know that you have such a Friend, such a Stay, such a Refuge. May God be ever in your heart. St. Francis De Sales.

My Friend, my Stay, my Refuge, my Rock, my God, knows the quiet and the turmoil of my heart. He knew I would spew forth all my fears, hurts, raw emotions. It didn't alarm Him. He was not offended. I think He may have even said, ' Its about time, you poor frail thing! I have been waiting for you to come to me in truth. Now that you have emptied the poison of you soul, know how much you are loved by Me. The world still turns, I am still God. Rest in that.'

Oh, for that wonderful trodden path! I need not walk on uneven ground, through briars and nettles. That only happens when I take my eyes of what is laid before me.The Lord has gone before, He knows the way. He also knows how very human I am, again, that does not upset His sovereign will, time and eternity still whirl. When my own heart whirls out of control, that is when I run, not walk, to Abba Fathers arms, and allow Him to hold me as I unleash my heart. It is there alone, I find forgiveness and love everlasting. Such joy is mine then.

Empty Nest to Full Arms

I love how the Lord is gracious to fill our emptiness. Obviously, He fills that void with Himself, if we so allow. He is my greatest Companion, I would be lost without Christ in my life. I am grateful that I learned long ago to allow Him to have that place in my life. He had it before Dale came into my life, and now He is filling that void in new ways with Dale's passing, ways that I am not even sure I could explain with clarity, so I won't even try.



Two days before Dale's 51st birthday, the Lord gave us our first grandchild. I had the privilege to be present, till a C-section was needed. When my son in law brought our Wee Man to meet the mass of family that had gathered, I was again privileged to be the first of the group to hold him in my arms. I wept. I wept out of joy that he had arrived safely and that he and my daughter were safe and well. I wept because Dale was not present. He and Autumn were to come after the baby was born.



They came the next day. It was a miserable ride for Dale as he was so sick, yet he wanted to see his grandson. When little Joshua Dale was placed in his arms, we all wept, silently, because we all knew that moments like that would be so few. I never asked Dale what he whispered to that precious gift, I know he did, but being the private man he was, I left those words to the two of them. I know Dale prayed over Joshua, that was Dale's character. Dale only got to see Joshua one other time, but he was to sick and weak he was unable to spend much time with the family, I know he agonized over this, I did. Yet, what time he did spend with the kids and I, our last Thanksgiving together, though difficult was an amazing time. The Lord filled our hearts with strength and comfort.

My grandson is the delight of my life, he is a joy bringer. God's timing was so perfect to give us such a gift during such grief. At times my arms ache for my grandson, perhaps because he carries Dale's name Holding Joshua, is like holding Dale, he brings me great comfort.

Soon, 6 1/2 months from now, I will have an empty nest. I will join the throng of those who rattle around in the home alone. No, I will not buy a small yapping dog, a fish or a bird. The cat we have now, if it doesn't leave with Autumn will be transported to a new home ( we are not on the best of terms, the cat and I). But once again, the Lord is filling the void. For only weeks after the wedding, I will have two new grand children. Both June and July are expecting, only 7 days apart. Three grandchildren to fill my arms and my heart, to help to fill a void. The faithfulness of my God. His mercy and loving kindness abound. I am filled.

Thou art God

As I was coming back from paying off the first installment of medical bills, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, okay, a lot overwhelmed. I had the radio on, and all I remember of the song was"Your majesty Lord", when through the tears and the leafless trees, standing firm and vast, was snow covered Mt. Rainer, against the bright blue sky. I had to smile knowing all would be well.



When I got home I got my bible and started to read the Psalms for the day. It only took the first two verses of chapter 90 to again confirm the truth of God's sovereignty.

Lord, Thou has been our dwelling place to all generations.
Before the mountains were born, or Thou did give birth to the earth and the world,
Even from everlasting to everlasting, Thou art God.

Thou art God. Plain and simple, yet, how my pea brain can't even begin to truly understand that. But this I do know, He is God. He is my God. He knows my circumstance, He knows my name. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and loving kindness, His gentleness in how He reminded me of these things today. His creation and His word. He is steadfast and constant, when I and the rest of the world are not. I have no reason to doubt His care for me, for His promises are unchanging as He is unchanging. So why do I allow things to overwhelm me, why do I get fearful, when will I learn? I know, I am only human, I shouldn't be so tough on myself.
But the questions remain.

It is strange how it seemed easier to trust the Lord when Dale was alive. As though Dale being tangible, made God's promises more tangible. Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but Dale brought home the pay check, he saw to it that business things were taken care of, we would talk about things, he would make the final decision. That was just fine by me. Dale was my provider, protector, my spiritual leader, my priest , my head, he stood in the gap, so to speak, for me. Now I go it alone. I am the provider, protector, spiritual leader of my home, I guess I am still not use to it, nor do I like it much. But it is what it is, which is why I so don't want to mess things up, because it will be all my fault if I do. I want to trust, not just in knowledge, but to truly trust the Lord with my whole heart. I want to know and understand Him as my Provider, Protector, Spiritual Head. It isn't always easy, but I so desire it. I don't want to be a wimp, I want others to see Christ in me. I don't want to disappoint the Lord.

Thou art God, today, that is enough.

My times are in Your hands

I was sadden today by a news report of a 21 year old, Olympic athlete who was killed while training for his Luger event in Canada. 21. I wonder how many of those years were in training for the moment he would find himself going to the ultimate of events to prove his metal. Today, a father and mother grieve. The son they have loved and raised, whom I am sure were proud of, will no longer have the opportunity to hold their son. I cannot even begin to know that kind of loss, to lose a child. It must be unbearable.

God's word makes it clear that He has ordained only so many days for each of us. No eating the best of diets, the most faithful of work out routines will prolong or change what God has written in the book of our lives. Today, we are reminded of that by the death of this young, healthy, strong young man.

Dale ran at least 3 times a week and walked just about every afternoon. When he was training for the Half-Iron man and an Olympic Triathlon, he ran, swam and rode his bike. The cancer didn't care. The Lord knew Dale would live only a month and a half after his 51st birthday. How old will I be?



I don't write this to inflict sadness, but to encourage living. As we don't know what may happen before this day is over, I believe the Lord would have us live each day we do have to the fullest. We should love well and hard those dearest to us. We should stand outside, even in the rain and look around us, then heavenward at the beauty of God's creation. We should each day use the gifts and talents He has given us for the blessing of others, to strengthen our own hearts, and to give glory to the Lord.


How often I allow myself to get wrapped up in the mundane of life, to allow stupid people to get my nanny goat. A chaplain, Dale had in the army would tell him when he would get frustrated with a certain co-worker, who tried every ones patience, 'don't give him that much power'. How much power do I give to others, allowing their words or behavior to rule my emotions and day?


I watched a favorite movie last night, Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium. It is a must see! My sister recently showed it her Jr highers at school. At the end of the movie she asked them what the movie was about, their response was, 'it's about dying.' Her response was, 'no, it is about living. And it is.


I want so much to make the Lord proud of me here on earth, so that when I someday see Him face to face, I will know by His face alone, I have done well. But to achieve that, I must do the dishes, prepare a meal, clean house, help a neighbor, make a phone call to a loved one, go to work, whatever the task before me is with joy and humility. I want to be a good steward of my day, because, my days are numbered. Granted, I want to see many more grand babies born and to see them grow up, don't we all. But since I don't know if I will, I must love at every opportunity when it is given.





To end, I quote Mr. Magorium who says what I want to only in a far better way.


"We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds well used, is a lifetime."


Live well.

Books

Well, I couldn't stand it any longer. I felt like writing. And as my arm is still healing, and in a restricted brace, typing, though slow and tedious, writing with a pen is far more difficult, will have to be the mode of this missive.




I was just reading favorite blogs, and two of them got my brain stirring. They were about books. I love books! I love to read as well as collect them. Though as a child, I was more often than not outside, jumping out of the hay loft, trying to ride sheep, or hanging upside down in the lilac bush, (yes, it was big enough to support a child, due to its age). But sit and read!? Only for school assignments. There were a couple of years I read the same book, about Dolly Madison, to write a book report. Even in high school, being a slow reader, when having to read a book for lit class, would read the preface, the first several chapters, a few in the middle and the last few, ask my best friend about the rest and pray for essay questions.




Yes, this is me hanging from the afore mentioned lilac bush.

It wasn't till my second daughter went to kindergarten, and I had time on my hands, that I began to read, really read, and found I liked it, a lot! Please understand that I grew up around books, my parents and siblings are all readers. My mother tried to get me to read books. I would start them, but rarely finish them. There were trees to climb!

My uncle, now retired, was the head librarian at a university in New Jersey. He often would send us kids books on whatever our interests were at any given time. In high school, for me it was art. He sent me wonderful books, which due to major moves in my life, I no longer have, but oh, what joy to open those boxes that had traveled so many miles across the country just for me.




I have lots of books I have collected over the years, some just because they were pretty to look at, others because they were favorite authors. I bought one book for a dollar just because I liked the title. The cover was in horrid condition, but I got it anyway. I finally read it a year later, and now it is a favorite. Elizabeth and her German Garden, by Elizabeth Von Arnim. I have read it just about every spring since April 1996. I think I have gotten my dollars worth.

One dollar find, now treasure.

My favorite author is Fay Inchfawn. She was a British woman, who wrote quite a lot; poetry, prose, biographical books of their daily lives in Britain and my all time favorite book, The Life Book of Mary Watt. It is a novel about a young girl on the family farm and her personal struggle with her relationship with the Lord. I love the book, because that struggle mirrors my own struggle as a teenage girl. I have many of her books, though most are well out of print and those still around live across the pond.

My Fay Inchfawn collection.

I love to read and take strength from the words penned by those who have trodden the path before me, whether in poetry, prose, or the details of their daily lives. How mighty the written word. How one phrase, can make all the difference in our mood or thought or behavior. How many books have become friends, companions on sunny or rainy days. How I miss reading to my girls, yet what joy to have my small grandson bring a book and climb in my lap so that I can read it to him.

Paper and inch. Who would have thought that just the touch and smell of it could raise ones pulse.