It is 7:55am, I am still in my jammies, actually sitting in bed in my jammies, and I like it. This is not something I do on a regular basis. I am usually up and going before this, but this morning I felt lazy. I did get up to get my bowl of cheerios...to eat in bed.
I just did my blog run, catching up with all my favorite blogs, smiling, giggling, and commenting on their doings. Most of these ladies I have never met, probably never will, but feel as though I could show up on their doorstep, and say I had come for tea, and they wouldn't bat an eye, welcome me in, and we would have a lovely chat.
I am so not a techo girl, but there are perks to all this technology we have, one is making friends just by typing and clicking. Strange that all the words being sent through the atmosphere, and the right words get to the right place. Boggles my mind.
I do need to rise from my bed of comfort and start my day. I have gardening to do and a 5 mile walk/run to accomplish. Maybe that is why I am still in bed.
I like this song. (sorry, you'll have to cut and paste)
http://www.rhapsody.com/ella-fitzgerald/sings-the-irving-berlin-songbook/lazy/lyrics.html
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Home
They say you can't go home again. They are right, whoever they are.
Several weeks ago, Em and I decided to make a trip down to Oregon, before her wedding, to visit the friends, and church where Dale pastored before he passed away. I had ambivalent feelings, not sure what to expect, what my emotions would be. I just felt it was a needed thing to do, since I had not been back since we moved 18 months ago.
We had great weather as we started out, got a later start than we wanted, only because we had to turn back after 30 minutes into the drive to get something important. I always figure that is one of those things the Lord has his hand on, and that He was protecting us from something, that it was better to back track a bit, than be where we 'should have been' up the road.
Once we hit Portland and we drove past the VA hospital, my stomach went cold and I wanted to go home. Both Em and I got quite for awhile. I think had it not been for the fact that the ladies had a bridal shower planned for Em the next day, we would have turned around and gone home.
We trudged on, soon enjoying conversation and singing with the music as it played.
Once we got to our old stomping ground, we took a quick drive through town to see what had changed, all of 10 minutes, only to find not much change, other than a few buildings with a fresh coat of paint. It was all very much the same. We drove past our old house, again other than an added fence in the backyard, and plants being bigger, it was still the same.
I'll not continue a blow by blow of the weekend as it would bore you and that is not my desire. But as we started to get with people, have the shower and attend church on Sunday, things felt so odd. Some people greeted us warmly, with big hugs, and even a few squeals of delight, others greeted us with distance, lack of emotion, almost offended at our responses that we were adjusting and doing fine. I felt as though some expected us, even hoped we would be weepy and maudlin, yet found them a bit surprised that we weren't in a dark pit, but moving forward.
I found some of the people, still stuck, not moving forward, as though they were still at Dale's memorial service. Granted there are days, I feel I have moved backwards, and just want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in bed. Daily I feel Dale's loss. I still shed lots of tears. My nights are long and lonely, but I am moving forward. I have no choice but to. Life really does go on, bills need to be paid, plumbing fixed, decisions made, and on it goes. But after being around some of these dear folk, I wanted to scream, 'If anyone has the right to be stuck, to stay gloomy, it is ME, not you!' To be honest, I didn't understand their responses and countenances, and really hoped I wasn't carrying myself like that.
As Em and I headed for home, we knew that this place, where we had lived for 6 1/2years, investing time, and love and sorrow, was no longer home. We had been uprooted, not by choice, and had moved on to different pasture. The Lord has been good. He has met our every need, is seeing us through many changes, and put us in a new place to do new things for Him. Though an old and much use adage, we are to ' Bloom where you are planted", cause, you really can't go home.
Several weeks ago, Em and I decided to make a trip down to Oregon, before her wedding, to visit the friends, and church where Dale pastored before he passed away. I had ambivalent feelings, not sure what to expect, what my emotions would be. I just felt it was a needed thing to do, since I had not been back since we moved 18 months ago.
We had great weather as we started out, got a later start than we wanted, only because we had to turn back after 30 minutes into the drive to get something important. I always figure that is one of those things the Lord has his hand on, and that He was protecting us from something, that it was better to back track a bit, than be where we 'should have been' up the road.
Once we hit Portland and we drove past the VA hospital, my stomach went cold and I wanted to go home. Both Em and I got quite for awhile. I think had it not been for the fact that the ladies had a bridal shower planned for Em the next day, we would have turned around and gone home.
We trudged on, soon enjoying conversation and singing with the music as it played.
Once we got to our old stomping ground, we took a quick drive through town to see what had changed, all of 10 minutes, only to find not much change, other than a few buildings with a fresh coat of paint. It was all very much the same. We drove past our old house, again other than an added fence in the backyard, and plants being bigger, it was still the same.
I'll not continue a blow by blow of the weekend as it would bore you and that is not my desire. But as we started to get with people, have the shower and attend church on Sunday, things felt so odd. Some people greeted us warmly, with big hugs, and even a few squeals of delight, others greeted us with distance, lack of emotion, almost offended at our responses that we were adjusting and doing fine. I felt as though some expected us, even hoped we would be weepy and maudlin, yet found them a bit surprised that we weren't in a dark pit, but moving forward.
I found some of the people, still stuck, not moving forward, as though they were still at Dale's memorial service. Granted there are days, I feel I have moved backwards, and just want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in bed. Daily I feel Dale's loss. I still shed lots of tears. My nights are long and lonely, but I am moving forward. I have no choice but to. Life really does go on, bills need to be paid, plumbing fixed, decisions made, and on it goes. But after being around some of these dear folk, I wanted to scream, 'If anyone has the right to be stuck, to stay gloomy, it is ME, not you!' To be honest, I didn't understand their responses and countenances, and really hoped I wasn't carrying myself like that.
As Em and I headed for home, we knew that this place, where we had lived for 6 1/2years, investing time, and love and sorrow, was no longer home. We had been uprooted, not by choice, and had moved on to different pasture. The Lord has been good. He has met our every need, is seeing us through many changes, and put us in a new place to do new things for Him. Though an old and much use adage, we are to ' Bloom where you are planted", cause, you really can't go home.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Days End
Today I...
Listened to the song birds in the backyard.
Saw 2 fawns, safely cross the highway.
Saw a hawk looking for lunch.
Saw a Llama standing guard over some sheep.
Had lunch with my grandson, just the two of us.
Went to the beach with my grandson and his parents.
Stood on the sand, with a warm breeze on my face, eyes shut, and listened to the orchestra of the sea.
Wondered how many miles I had walked on this beach over the years.
Felt refreshed by being at the beach.
Brought home shells, a sand dollars, sea glass and a small starfish.
Had a lovely dinner with my grandson, his parents and my son -in-law's sister.
Watched the sun set as I travelled home.
Chatted with Emily, as I hadn't seen her all day.
Wrote these blessings down for you to see, in hopes it made you more grateful for yours.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
My Hannah Lamb
28 years ago today, the Lord truly blessed Dale and I with our first daughter, Hannah Marie. The day was made more special by the fact that that year June 20 was also Father's Day. Do I know how to give a gift or what? I remember holding her in bed with me in an huge open room that also has several other young military wives in it and yet feeling as though we were the only ones there. She had a full head of black hair, and dark blue eyes. She was perfect!
I had Hannah to myself for 2 years till her younger sister was born. We read a lot together, went on walks everyday, especially in the fall, as on the route we walked there was a pecan tree. Dale was in college at the time, so our budget was small, and pecans were a treat for Dale. Hannah always had to have pockets in her dresses, so when we walked and came to the fallen pecans on the sidewalk, I would encourage her to pick them up and fill her pockets. I figured the sidewalk was fair game for gathering.
Hannah loved books growing up, to the point I would have to make her go outside to play. She was my studious one, organized, consistent, a leader, reserved, private, with a tender heart for things of the Lord. She often talked of being a missionary, but mostly just wanted to be a wife and mommy.
Today, her desire is full-filled, wife to a wonderful, godly man, for almost 7 years, and mom to the most delightful grandson ever (yes, I am partial) and a baby girl is due in October. Hannah has become a most efficient homemaker, with a knack for decorating, she is a good cook, a consistent and loving wife, and a steadfast, loving mama.
Father's Day takes on new meaning for my girls. The focus being now to there husbands as fathers, and their father in laws, which all three are blessed in the realm. But more importantly, the girls have a new relationship with their Heavenly Father. I don't know what that all entails for them, as I still have my dad. But as I watch them, their growth, their faith and trust in the Lord, I know it is something very special and real.
I am so very proud of Hannah and the wonderful young woman she has become. Her papa was proud of her, they were very much alike. I know too, however the Lord works the connection between heaven and earth, he continues to be proud of her on this Father's Day.
Hannah, I love you. You amaze me. I am so very proud of you. Happy Birthday.
I had Hannah to myself for 2 years till her younger sister was born. We read a lot together, went on walks everyday, especially in the fall, as on the route we walked there was a pecan tree. Dale was in college at the time, so our budget was small, and pecans were a treat for Dale. Hannah always had to have pockets in her dresses, so when we walked and came to the fallen pecans on the sidewalk, I would encourage her to pick them up and fill her pockets. I figured the sidewalk was fair game for gathering.
Hannah loved books growing up, to the point I would have to make her go outside to play. She was my studious one, organized, consistent, a leader, reserved, private, with a tender heart for things of the Lord. She often talked of being a missionary, but mostly just wanted to be a wife and mommy.
Today, her desire is full-filled, wife to a wonderful, godly man, for almost 7 years, and mom to the most delightful grandson ever (yes, I am partial) and a baby girl is due in October. Hannah has become a most efficient homemaker, with a knack for decorating, she is a good cook, a consistent and loving wife, and a steadfast, loving mama.
Father's Day takes on new meaning for my girls. The focus being now to there husbands as fathers, and their father in laws, which all three are blessed in the realm. But more importantly, the girls have a new relationship with their Heavenly Father. I don't know what that all entails for them, as I still have my dad. But as I watch them, their growth, their faith and trust in the Lord, I know it is something very special and real.
I am so very proud of Hannah and the wonderful young woman she has become. Her papa was proud of her, they were very much alike. I know too, however the Lord works the connection between heaven and earth, he continues to be proud of her on this Father's Day.
Hannah, I love you. You amaze me. I am so very proud of you. Happy Birthday.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Existence
'Yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom are all things, and we exist for Him;
And one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him.'
I Corinthians 8.6
'For in Him we live, and move, and exist.' Acts 17.28
I am not a theologian, by any sense of the word, but I know this is full of all kinds of jewels if unpacked well. Dale would say, 'this is preachable'. But as I read these verses yesterday, I was whelmed by them, partly because of their richness, I think partly because yesterday marked a year and a half since Dale's passing, which has made my own existence so very different.
I have learned much in this past year and a half. So much, I think it would be hard for me to even begin to try to pen it all. I have learned things, that I will always keep to myself, as I have learned the hard way, people, though they try, just don't get it, unless they have lost a spouse. In the same way it is hard for me to understand someone, who has lost a child, or gone through a divorce, I haven't experienced those things. One can't be expected to understand something they don't know.
I have learned I can only live, and move, and exist, for and through Christ, regardless my circumstances. Daily I tell the Lord I can't do today without Him. Most days I don't have the desire, drive, purpose or energy to want to do. Daily He gives me the strength and mind set to get the laundry done, balance the checkbook, go to the grocery store, fix the plumbing, cut wood, work in the office...you have similar lists. Yet everything I do is because of Him. Everything I do is for Him, because He is my very breath. He gave me my first breath. He created me in my mothers womb, and gave me life when those two small living organisms, one from my mom and one from my dad, met and became one. Me. My life. My existence. And if that weren't enough, He gave me spiritual life. He gave Himself up in death for three days, rose again giving victory over death, for me, so that I might exist. So how can I not live for Him? How can I not live through Him. He is my very being. Therefore, should not my life in every aspect reflect Him, whether it be easy or difficult circumstances?
"...the chief end of man is to glorify God." I believe that is a loose translation, but the fact is clear. I exist because of Christ. I exist for Christ. I exist through Christ. I breath because of Christ. It is my goal to daily, regardless how well or poorly, to walk well. To strive to live Jesus in all I do and say. It is my desire to glorify the One who has give me the opportunity, the privilege, to do just that.
And one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him.'
I Corinthians 8.6
'For in Him we live, and move, and exist.' Acts 17.28
I am not a theologian, by any sense of the word, but I know this is full of all kinds of jewels if unpacked well. Dale would say, 'this is preachable'. But as I read these verses yesterday, I was whelmed by them, partly because of their richness, I think partly because yesterday marked a year and a half since Dale's passing, which has made my own existence so very different.
I have learned much in this past year and a half. So much, I think it would be hard for me to even begin to try to pen it all. I have learned things, that I will always keep to myself, as I have learned the hard way, people, though they try, just don't get it, unless they have lost a spouse. In the same way it is hard for me to understand someone, who has lost a child, or gone through a divorce, I haven't experienced those things. One can't be expected to understand something they don't know.
I have learned I can only live, and move, and exist, for and through Christ, regardless my circumstances. Daily I tell the Lord I can't do today without Him. Most days I don't have the desire, drive, purpose or energy to want to do. Daily He gives me the strength and mind set to get the laundry done, balance the checkbook, go to the grocery store, fix the plumbing, cut wood, work in the office...you have similar lists. Yet everything I do is because of Him. Everything I do is for Him, because He is my very breath. He gave me my first breath. He created me in my mothers womb, and gave me life when those two small living organisms, one from my mom and one from my dad, met and became one. Me. My life. My existence. And if that weren't enough, He gave me spiritual life. He gave Himself up in death for three days, rose again giving victory over death, for me, so that I might exist. So how can I not live for Him? How can I not live through Him. He is my very being. Therefore, should not my life in every aspect reflect Him, whether it be easy or difficult circumstances?
"...the chief end of man is to glorify God." I believe that is a loose translation, but the fact is clear. I exist because of Christ. I exist for Christ. I exist through Christ. I breath because of Christ. It is my goal to daily, regardless how well or poorly, to walk well. To strive to live Jesus in all I do and say. It is my desire to glorify the One who has give me the opportunity, the privilege, to do just that.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Changes
One of the down sides to having a blog, is when you don't have anything to write about. There are times I feel a bit dry inside, and there are no thoughts that flow, or the thoughts that do flow, I figure no one else would want to know about. It it kind of like the teacher voice from the Peanuts cartoons, you know the 'Whaa, whaa, whaa, whaa...' or in today's lingo, blah, blah, blah.
Today, however, I made a discovery, one that I already knew, but that really came to be a reality to me; my baby is getting married in 6 weeks, and will be moving to California, and I will be all alone. I am so at peace with her getting married, that is not the issue, it is the fact that she will be going away. That is hard for me to think of. I love my girls. It has always been hard, a good hard, to watch the older two girls marry and start their own homes. That is what I have raised them for. But my baby.
Emily has been such a stronghold for me in the past year and a half, actually the past 2 and a half. She has been my constant friend, support, my encourager. I will miss that. I in no way begrudge her new life, I am excited to watch her blossom in her journey of being a wife and homemaker. It is a joy! I guess it is just the reality, that yet another aspect of my life is changing. For some, they relish the idea of change. I am not one of those said people. Yet, I was thrown into a world of change, because of one final breathe.
I am not longer wife, homemaker, pastor's wife, and now my role as mom totally changes. Now comes the task of shifting gears, forging new paths, rethinking plans, learning to go it alone. Oi! I know the Lord will help me. I know He will give me wisdom. I know I will be alright. Yet, it is hard when your heart has been in pieces for so long, without respite to put it back together. I can guarantee, it won't look the same, it won't beat the same, but it will continue to function. Who knows, I might be surprised with the end result.
Today, however, I made a discovery, one that I already knew, but that really came to be a reality to me; my baby is getting married in 6 weeks, and will be moving to California, and I will be all alone. I am so at peace with her getting married, that is not the issue, it is the fact that she will be going away. That is hard for me to think of. I love my girls. It has always been hard, a good hard, to watch the older two girls marry and start their own homes. That is what I have raised them for. But my baby.
Emily has been such a stronghold for me in the past year and a half, actually the past 2 and a half. She has been my constant friend, support, my encourager. I will miss that. I in no way begrudge her new life, I am excited to watch her blossom in her journey of being a wife and homemaker. It is a joy! I guess it is just the reality, that yet another aspect of my life is changing. For some, they relish the idea of change. I am not one of those said people. Yet, I was thrown into a world of change, because of one final breathe.
I am not longer wife, homemaker, pastor's wife, and now my role as mom totally changes. Now comes the task of shifting gears, forging new paths, rethinking plans, learning to go it alone. Oi! I know the Lord will help me. I know He will give me wisdom. I know I will be alright. Yet, it is hard when your heart has been in pieces for so long, without respite to put it back together. I can guarantee, it won't look the same, it won't beat the same, but it will continue to function. Who knows, I might be surprised with the end result.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Mixed Bag
What a mixed bag of events I have right now. A wedding, 2 new grandbabies on the way, a new career, an empty nest. Emotions of joy, of apprehension and even sadness. It does keep one on their toes.
I was doing laundry yesterday, preparing for a road trip with my mom. Some of the things to be washed were clothes my girls wore when they were small. I wanted to get them washed up, mended if necessary before dividing them between my girls, who are both having girls. Yes, I am in tea party heaven! At the bottom of the box the clothes were in were two pairs of small, white shoes. I had to stop, pick them up and caress them. Such wee feet once wore these, now those same wee feet, not so wee anymore, are either married with a child and one on the way, or married and expecting her first child, or soon to be married. O truly, where has the time gone. Soon, the last pair of feet to wear these shoes will walk down the isle, to one very dear young man, and then get into a car and drive away (enter empty nest). It is amazing to me that I am at this chapter of my life. As I held those shoes, I thought how different my role as a mom would be from here on out.
When Emily came home from work, I could tell she had had a tough day at work. She proceeded to tell me of her day. I listened and them tried to encourage her. 'One more month!' was her reply. It is hard as a mom when you can no longer give a hug and a cookie to make the world seem brighter. Life is hard, and I can no longer protect my girls from the ugly of this world, by snuggling up on a couch and read a book, or build a tent under the table to pretend a happier place.
Later, Grace called and was upset about something. She was fearful and concerned about a health thing. She has had a tough pregnancy from the start. We are all a bit gun shy when it comes to health issues, because of Dale. After I listened through her tears and sobs, I tried to give her encouragement and strengthen her heart. When we got off the phone she was doing better. It was hard not to be close enough to hug her, to kiss her boo and make it better. I love my girls and love having them around me. I sometimes long for them to the point of physical pain. But seeing them with the men God intended, having babes of their own, there is no greater joy. I will always be Mama. Near or far.
I was doing laundry yesterday, preparing for a road trip with my mom. Some of the things to be washed were clothes my girls wore when they were small. I wanted to get them washed up, mended if necessary before dividing them between my girls, who are both having girls. Yes, I am in tea party heaven! At the bottom of the box the clothes were in were two pairs of small, white shoes. I had to stop, pick them up and caress them. Such wee feet once wore these, now those same wee feet, not so wee anymore, are either married with a child and one on the way, or married and expecting her first child, or soon to be married. O truly, where has the time gone. Soon, the last pair of feet to wear these shoes will walk down the isle, to one very dear young man, and then get into a car and drive away (enter empty nest). It is amazing to me that I am at this chapter of my life. As I held those shoes, I thought how different my role as a mom would be from here on out.
When Emily came home from work, I could tell she had had a tough day at work. She proceeded to tell me of her day. I listened and them tried to encourage her. 'One more month!' was her reply. It is hard as a mom when you can no longer give a hug and a cookie to make the world seem brighter. Life is hard, and I can no longer protect my girls from the ugly of this world, by snuggling up on a couch and read a book, or build a tent under the table to pretend a happier place.
Later, Grace called and was upset about something. She was fearful and concerned about a health thing. She has had a tough pregnancy from the start. We are all a bit gun shy when it comes to health issues, because of Dale. After I listened through her tears and sobs, I tried to give her encouragement and strengthen her heart. When we got off the phone she was doing better. It was hard not to be close enough to hug her, to kiss her boo and make it better. I love my girls and love having them around me. I sometimes long for them to the point of physical pain. But seeing them with the men God intended, having babes of their own, there is no greater joy. I will always be Mama. Near or far.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Today
So, this is how my day has started. When I turned the shower on, water went spraying all over the bathroom as the connection sprang a leak, more like a surge. I decided to take a bath. As I went about cleaning up the water mess I knocked a picture off the wall, which hit a bowl of sea glass on back of the toilet, which went flying every which way, including into the toilet. I got dressed, went into the living room to open the curtains, walked in to the studio, opened the curtains, and proceeded to knocked 3 glass bottles that had beads on wires into the garbage can, where they are still. I had to laugh, at the prospect of what else lie ahead for the day.
A bit later Emily and I went to go meet up with her wedding photographer to look at the engagement shoot pictures. It was very nice, lovely pictures, hoping the worst was over. Not so fortunate. When we got home, Emily noticed the lights were on on the neighbors truck. I went to to his door to tell him, not wanting to as he was home alone, and it did make me a tad uncomfortable. I knocked, and guess what? He opened the door in his underwear! I quickly told him about the lights and turned and walked briskly home. Good grief!
I think I want to stay home on the couch the rest of the day, and not move till bedtime. How have you faired today?
A bit later Emily and I went to go meet up with her wedding photographer to look at the engagement shoot pictures. It was very nice, lovely pictures, hoping the worst was over. Not so fortunate. When we got home, Emily noticed the lights were on on the neighbors truck. I went to to his door to tell him, not wanting to as he was home alone, and it did make me a tad uncomfortable. I knocked, and guess what? He opened the door in his underwear! I quickly told him about the lights and turned and walked briskly home. Good grief!
I think I want to stay home on the couch the rest of the day, and not move till bedtime. How have you faired today?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Testimony of circumstance
"This is an amazing testimony to our Great God that He has given you His grace to say these words. Your circumstances are not killing you, though they hurt deeply and you are still able to say “You are my God and I will give you THANKS!”
That was a friends response to me after an email I sent her. Her words have stuck with me since I read them. They were very confirming words to me on 3 levels.
'...testimony to our Great God that He has given you His grace to say these words'. This morning while reading in I Corinthians, I came to these verses, 'I thank my God always concerning you, for the grace of God which has been given to you in Christ Jesus, that in everything you were enriched in Him...even as a testimony concerning Christ was confirmed in you'... The words of my friend came to my mind. One thing I have asked of the Lord that He would be seen in me even in the midst of my bleakest days. That others would see in me that Christ is sovereign; that since He is sovereign they would see His faithfulness; that since He is faithful, they would know He is trustworthy. I don't know what God's purpose was in taking Dale. It isn't for me to know, but to trust. I know that in God's purpose, it is for His glory, and I want to live that, I don't want in any action or word to belittle His sovereignty . I want my life, my tears, joys and sorrows, to be a testimony of what Christ can do with a willing, broken heart. I want others to know that I 'have been with Jesus'.
'your circumstances are not killing you'. I can't tell you how my heart soared at these words! I so often feel as though I walk around with a visible black cloud hanging over my head. I often feel sad, lonely, and disjointed, that I fear it shows to others to the point of them wondering what kind of faith I have. I often wonder the same thing myself. I feel as though I am not gaining any ground, that I will be miserable the rest of my life. Yet, at the same time, I feel the presence of the Lord so keenly, sensing His joy that sometimes I wonder if I should feel this good; transported in worship, excited about life and where the Lord is leading, and then, feeling guilty that maybe I have shed my 'widow weeds' to soon. I don't know how this grieving thing works, and it has been all most 18 months, but I am glad one has seen that my circumstances are not killing me.
'though they hurt deeply and you are still able to say “You are my God and I will give you THANKS'. Song has been such a major part of this journey for me. Music has been such a big part of my life. My mom had us kids singing in church at early ages, I was always in choir in school, I was in a drama/music group at Bible school, my girls and I always sang together, I have been part of leading worship at churches over the years. As a result, I love the book of Psalms! It is my favorite hymn book. Two months before we found out Dale's cancer was back, I started to go through the Psalms and just take my time. As I started to study the words, 'praise, song, worship, sing really popped out at me. Each morning I would wake with a hymn or chorus going through my head, I still wake up this way. I love it! Phrases from the Psalms, like 'You are my God and I will give you thanks', are like melodies flowing through my heart, that give me strength to not only sing them, but to mean it. He is my God. I have seen His hand in my life. I have seen Him in new and very personal ways in the past 2 plus years. How can I not give Him thanks?
My circumstances aren't killing me, they are strengthening me, they are making me more like Jesus, even when I may not see it.
That was a friends response to me after an email I sent her. Her words have stuck with me since I read them. They were very confirming words to me on 3 levels.
'...testimony to our Great God that He has given you His grace to say these words'. This morning while reading in I Corinthians, I came to these verses, 'I thank my God always concerning you, for the grace of God which has been given to you in Christ Jesus, that in everything you were enriched in Him...even as a testimony concerning Christ was confirmed in you'... The words of my friend came to my mind. One thing I have asked of the Lord that He would be seen in me even in the midst of my bleakest days. That others would see in me that Christ is sovereign; that since He is sovereign they would see His faithfulness; that since He is faithful, they would know He is trustworthy. I don't know what God's purpose was in taking Dale. It isn't for me to know, but to trust. I know that in God's purpose, it is for His glory, and I want to live that, I don't want in any action or word to belittle His sovereignty . I want my life, my tears, joys and sorrows, to be a testimony of what Christ can do with a willing, broken heart. I want others to know that I 'have been with Jesus'.
'your circumstances are not killing you'. I can't tell you how my heart soared at these words! I so often feel as though I walk around with a visible black cloud hanging over my head. I often feel sad, lonely, and disjointed, that I fear it shows to others to the point of them wondering what kind of faith I have. I often wonder the same thing myself. I feel as though I am not gaining any ground, that I will be miserable the rest of my life. Yet, at the same time, I feel the presence of the Lord so keenly, sensing His joy that sometimes I wonder if I should feel this good; transported in worship, excited about life and where the Lord is leading, and then, feeling guilty that maybe I have shed my 'widow weeds' to soon. I don't know how this grieving thing works, and it has been all most 18 months, but I am glad one has seen that my circumstances are not killing me.
'though they hurt deeply and you are still able to say “You are my God and I will give you THANKS'. Song has been such a major part of this journey for me. Music has been such a big part of my life. My mom had us kids singing in church at early ages, I was always in choir in school, I was in a drama/music group at Bible school, my girls and I always sang together, I have been part of leading worship at churches over the years. As a result, I love the book of Psalms! It is my favorite hymn book. Two months before we found out Dale's cancer was back, I started to go through the Psalms and just take my time. As I started to study the words, 'praise, song, worship, sing really popped out at me. Each morning I would wake with a hymn or chorus going through my head, I still wake up this way. I love it! Phrases from the Psalms, like 'You are my God and I will give you thanks', are like melodies flowing through my heart, that give me strength to not only sing them, but to mean it. He is my God. I have seen His hand in my life. I have seen Him in new and very personal ways in the past 2 plus years. How can I not give Him thanks?
My circumstances aren't killing me, they are strengthening me, they are making me more like Jesus, even when I may not see it.
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