Somewhere in the middle

Have you ever had one of those issues in your life that you are dealing with, where your brain and your heart have a hard time meshing together? I am having one of those. I know what scripture tells me, I know and understand the logic of it all, but the emotions of my heart keep slamming the door on said understanding.

I am tired of the slamming door, of whatever it is that is keeping me from embracing what is needed and good for me. This isn't a defiant act, not at all. It is more not feeling worthy to accept the truth offered by my God. I don't like it, I can only imagine how He must feel. I am weary. I am tired of being weary. I want to move forward. I feel like when I was in high school in track and learning how to jump hurdles. Getting the right number of steps between them, knowing which foot to launch with, and at what time to jump, having the the right leg position so I could clear the hurdle and not get tangled up in it and land on my face.

Being on ones face before the Lord is a good thing, I'm okay with that. But at some point I need to get up to clear the hurdle and continue on with the race. Perhaps I need a few more bumps and bruises till I can fly again, and find that happy place in the middle of heart and mind.

(photo from Google images)

Birdsong

Today was the weekly Havarti Club, which consists of my mom, my girls, and occasional friends, and myself, in various combinations. We call it the Havarti Club as we have lunch together, often sandwiches, which is where the Havarti comes it. It is a favorite amongst us. We chat, down lots of tea, and take turns playing with babies.

The property across the street from mom's house slopes down to an open field with a few cows and a quaint home. Peering over the blackberry hedge row at street level is a stand of Arthur Rackham looking oak trees. Leafless, yet covered in moss, the twisted branches create a tangled silhouette. Today, as I helped take some things to the car of a friend, all I heard was a grand raucous for birdsong. I don't know how many birds there were, or how many different types, but they were all sing lustily. I did see a couple of doves sitting atop one of the trees, and a Jenny wren flitting from branch to branch. I stood and listened, looking at the view, and missed living in the country. This is a sight and sound I wouldn't mind everyday.

I like my little 1940's cottage and my little plot of earth, but, oh, how deep the country runs through my veins. I miss the vista's, the ramblings through the fields, the fragrances of fresh air, the sounds. I'm not likely to live in the country again, that's okay. But, I am grateful for the vignettes the Lord gives me from time to time that keeps this farmgirls soul on an even keel.

He is here

I had a bit of a sleepless night last night. Not unusual for me, but sleepless nonetheless. At one point I rolled over to try to get comfortable, only to see once again, the empty space next to me. I felt very alone, and the darkness only aided that feeling. I reached my hand out, and fell asleep.

This morning I was reminded of that magnificent proclamation of old, "and you shall call His name Immanuel, God with us." That glorious Divine presence, that grand Assurance, that wherever I am , whatever I am doing, God is present. But why don't I always feel Him near? Why do I often feel I am going this alone? Why do the nights still loom, shouting my singleness? Why in my darkest hours of Dale's final moments did I not feel the Lord's presence?

When Christ hung dying on the cross for me, he cried out, 'My God, why have you forsaken me?' Why did the Son of God feel like I often do? Perhaps, so He could understand better my humanness, my fearful moments? Maybe because I am given a task to do, as He was, and I must accomplish, not on my own really, but by what God has given to me at that moment to use to do the work; part of hewing and moulding of me? I don't know, but this I do know. I was never alone. I will never be alone, even when it feels like I am.

I have made mention before that I am by nature a fearful Nellie. I joke it is my spiritual gift. I believe the Lord has scripted Isaiah 40.10 just for me. 'Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.'

I love passages in scripture where the Lord is speaking with, 'I will, I have, I did...' In Isaiah 43 there are several of those, all underlined in my bible.

I have redeemed you...I have called you by My name...I will be with you...I am the Lord your God...I love you...I am with you...I have created you for My glory...whom I have formed, whom I have made..whom I have chosen... I am He...I am the Lord...I who have declared and saved and proclaimed...I am God. If I am so loved, chosen, created, redeemed..., how could I ever doubt the Lord's presence in my life? How could I ever forget how precious I am in His sight? He will never leave me or forsake me. He is here...a most joyous thought indeed!

Psalms 62

This today for any who are hurting and struggling. He is our Redeemer and our God.

Pathways

Remember as a kid, when you fell down and got a boo-boo? All Mom had to do was kiss it and make it better. I wish that still worked.

The last few days have been heavy for me, and all I want to do is make things better for those I love. But I can't. To watch a son-in-law wonder if he will have work or not, to see two family members in two different churches going through ugly and difficult things, to hear of a most beloved family member receiving devastating news; and I can do nothing to help.

All I know is this, that God is sovereign, therefore, He is faithful, therefore, He is trustworthy. My prayer is that those I love will hold these truths in their hearts, as the journey is rough for them. That they will know the Peace that passes all understanding. That their hope will be secure on the Rock of their salvation. And when this pathway comes to an end, and the next one starts, they will find victory and strength to go the next round.

This years theme...

Psalms 16.11 'Thou will make known to me the path of life; in Thy presence is fulness of joy; in Thy right hand there are pleasures forever.'
















Psalms 21.6 'For Thou does make him most blessed forever; Thou does make him joyful with gladness in Thy presence.'





















Psalms 43.4 'Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise Thee, O God, my God.'





















Psalms 51.12 'Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit.'





















Psalms 98.4 'Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth; break forth and sing for joy and sing praises.'




















Psalms 119.111 'I have inherited Thy testimonies forever, for they are the joy of my heart.'





















Psalms 126.2,3 'Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with joyful shouting; then they said among the nations, "the Lord has done great things for them." The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.'



















Habakkuk 3. 17-19 'Though the fig three should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield on the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, YET, I will exult in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds feet, and makes me walk on my high places.'


This year, with joy, in all I do, because of who He is.